Angel,

这次的离开让我清楚发现，我不想去巴黎，不是怕也不是烦。只是因为我爱 Joe。不想管是对的错的，不想管未来是否会辛苦，我只想与他地老天荒，白头到老。

枫

J,

Your words are like poison. Sweet as nectar, sharp as knife. Seeping through my veins, piercing through my heart. I'm shivering in pain. Muted by love. I dare not make a sound. I cry. Then conceal it with a smile. Did you know.. Did you know?

The pain that I'm hiding. Just to see you smile.

C

Dear Angel,

Things I've learnt about people in general. When you care too much, you will never get to the top of their list. In a way, maybe I should just care less. Just love myself. No matter what happens, love myself the most. So even if one day no one loves me in the world, I will still have myself. Is that being too selfish?
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Keep getting into arguments with mother this time I came back, I don't know why either. But every time kicks up an argument, just makes me want to run away more. The more she wants me attention, the more she gets jealous, the more I turn away from her. There is nothing I want to say to her. There is nothing that interest both of us. That's why I choose to say nothing. There is nothing going on in my life, what's there to share? Why do I talk to my friends more? Simply cuz they have things to tell me! Why do I talk to Jasmine all the time? Cuz shw updates me with her daily share of scandals and stories. Hence I listen. What does my mum share? How annoying my aunt and uncle is? I listen too. I comment. But what else is new? Nothing. Why have I not told her anything about my life yet? Because she judges, she gets jealous. That's why I have not told her anything about Joe yet. I want to.. I really do. Many times, it's slipping out, but somehow I managed to hold it back. Because I don't want her to worry. Hence there is nothing left to say.

I don't know who's fault it is that our relationship ended up in this way. Maybe both parties we have fault. And both of us too stubborn to admit at wrong. Maybe I never gave her enough securities, but in a way, I don't know how to. I thought I have already been doing my best but she is always asking for more. How am I to give in all the time. I know that she has done a lot for me, and I do truly appreciate it but still, there is nothing I can do or want to do about it. Cuz any further step I take, I'm losing.

Balance in life, I've been trying to maintain. But when you meet someone so possessive, how do I learn to love and accept? Will it come to one day that I will give up myself to be who she wants me to be? No. I love myself too much for that..

Love,
Charlotte

Dear Angel

Why do I dread coming back to Singapore? You wonder why I dread coming back to Singapore.
Simple, two Chinese word, 好烦!
Just all the naggings, and more nagging.. How old am I? I wonder too. Is a 22 year old too young to realise what time it is to come home? Is keeping her accompanied MOST of the nights still not good enough for her? Is wearing new things wrong? Is shopping my fault when SHE is clearly the one who wants to buy stuff for me? I don't even feel like shopping honestly, there is jsut simply NOTHING I can do here nevertheless. So ok, now, no hanging out with friends. Should I just stay at home and rot? Yea, then maybe I shouldn't even come back, I might as well stay in Vancouver and rot. Isn't that the same thing? At least I snack whenever I want, go out whenever I want, wear new thing whenever I want, without any permissions.
Yes I shouldn't be mad. Then what?

Dear Angel,

It's June 10th again..

Sending him a facebook message on his birthday is like a habit that I have formed. Knowing that he will never reply.. I don't know.. his disappearance from my life, it was quiet. Even though there was a dramatic argument, his made his exit so quietly, I don't know how to explain.. It's like, he left, but I never missed him. Just like he was there making a difference in my life, and I never felt it before either. For he is the reason why I buy every guy I like Paul Smith. He is the reason why I want to see Tag Heuer on my future husband. He is reason why I fell in love with men who can sing. He is the reason why I stopped modelling. He is the reason why Wheverever you will go is my favourite song. He is the reason for who I am today.

He rescued me from misery, bad memories, but in return, I gave him mine. Have I ever loved him? I don't know.. I never thought I did at least. I never thought that love, he was just always there. Always so secretly, so quietly.. So quiet that when he left, I took no notice at all either. But I wish him happiness, even willing to give him mine. He is the shadow I search for in every man.

Josh,
I don't think we'd ever talk again. Maybe you never knew, you're the man who has made the greatest impact on my life. Your words are the only ones that kept ringing in my ears, every day, every minute. I wish you happy.

Love,
Charl

Angel,

Sometimes, I just feel like pick up my phone and text him: "I miss you", as if I'm already his girlfriend or something.
Isn't it strange? With K, it was all physical/physiological effect. Everything happened so quick. moved on. But with J, despite that initial physical attraction, it is a lot more emotional attachment. A lot more trying to understand each other, trying to grow together. It's a good thing, isn't it? I just hope that all remains the same when I come back from Singapore.

So far so good.. One more week to a month.. I can sense it getting hard tho.. Initially everything was just sweet and nice. Well even now, I still get all smiley whenever I get to skype him or whenever I receive an email from him. My heart still flutters at the sight of his define cheek/collar bones. But I start missing him more, long for his voice, his presence in my life. I wonder how long I will be able to hide that... Need to concentrate on something meanwhile, in between all the waiting, I guess.. Study study study Charlotte!
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你的声音，像在窗外回荡的春风
挑逗着我对你刚刚萌芽的爱意
心跳像风铃般叮叮当当被你拨动着
轻哼一首甜甜的的情歌
好想好想让春天的风，带上我对你的情意
在你耳边送上一句：刘长鑫，我喜欢你⋯⋯

Love,
Charlotte

Angel,

Maybe I thought I was ready for something else, maybe for those instantaneous moments that I spent with J, I thought I've moved on, I've forgotten, I've given back my love. Maybe I made a mistake going through past pictures, clicking on Tif's convocation picture..
But the sight of his face, still trigger memories, regrets, longing from the past. How stupid of me, psyching myself out again. Giving others, giving myself false hopes. But how should I stop? How can I stop?
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天蝎座，当爱上一个人时，要不然是半年，要不是半辈子。
那个他，早已远去，带着我的爱，我的回忆
我们已走到了一个无法回头的未来，可那满满的爱该怎么释怀？
我向上帝祈祷，希望这个雨季可以带走、从淡两年前在春天萌芽的爱。
两年，原来我已爱上他两年了⋯⋯
天使，但我是否该庆幸？
他虽带走了我的爱与回忆
但至少，最至少我的快乐，笑容依然，永远会是我的⋯ :)

Dear Angel,
I don't want to know what's the "but"; I don't want to know his flaws. I just want to plunge in, dive into whatever he has to offer, savour every bit of it. At least for this moment. Let me be rash, let my mind go crazy, soul go wild again. Even if it means to get my heart broken again into a thousand million pieces. I am no longer fearing... So be it.
This passion in me, let it burn...

Love,
Charl

Dear Angel,

So, here I am listening to the only recording I have of his voice. Was talking to liyan,
"It's only been a week!" she says, "Ok, fine, 2.. You're not gonna last 4 months.."
I wonder too...
"So just do whatever makes you happy!"
I guess...
What do you think angel? 4 months sure is a long time.. But I haven't felt like spoiling anyone for so long. It's like the only thing that I look forward to each day is his email. That anticipation actually wakes me up, keeps me from going back to bed. Hmm, something that gets me out of my bed, that sure makes a difference doesn't it?
Edwin says we're all gooey.. Is that a bad thing? I don't think we are.. Was I ever like this before? I thought I was always the cool one..
------
Took me so much to type out "I miss you".. Drained me of all my strength that night, it's like me finally admitting to liking him, telling him. That makes me feel vulnerable and exposed. I don't like being exposed. I like keeping things to myself, with only me knowing what I'm feeling. Besides Edwin, didn't dare to let anyone else know how I feel. Seems a lil too fast again. What are you up to again Charlotte dear? Haven't you learn well from your last mistake??
Practicing cooking, buying chocolates, writing cards.. What else?
------
I crave for his smile which drifted miles away
miss his warmth from what seems like yesterday
So near, yet so far..
In this rainy May,
I pray, for
My love won't fade away.

Love,
Charl

天使，

没有谈过恋爱的男生都是白痴吗? :( 怎么都不懂女生的心理啊～

明知道我会想和他说话，连等十分钟也不行⋯⋯白痴白痴白痴白痴！！

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Angel, tell me, how long has it been since I last felt this way about anyone? All these little secrets that I keep in my diary, that I’m afraid of letting anyone know. How many entries have I been writing ever since meeting him? How many hours in a day do I spend NOT thinking about him? I have indeed gone mad, just like Alice in Wonderland :( And will he be able to deal with this madness? I’m unsure and afraid. More than anything.. He needs his space, time to work, for his friends, his rest, his food, his family… Maybe if I’m lucky, I’ll come in 7^th place for now?

When was the last time I’ve been following another’s foot-step, making sure to be one step behind, just like a little girl, following someone else’s foot step. So she won’t be regarded as annoying, spoilt.

Angel, there’s so much I wanted to ask him today.. How his day was, tiring? Where will he be going to, what time’s the drive tomorrow, wish him good luck. Most importantly, I was just hoping to catch a glimpse of his face, a trace of his voice and I’ll be satisfied. Been on his facebook countless times, maybe even able to recited the first 10 pictures of his tagged pictures made available for me. Stalkerish to the point of scariness yes I know, so promise me, this will be a secret between you and I? Shh…

------

What are changes gonna be in these 4 months? I am more scared than ever. Never in my life I’ve been so afraid. Usually, am I not the one to embrace changes? He asks me, what do I think about these 4 months, I replied, I don’t know. The truth is, I am scared to let him know how much I want everything to remain the same, at least between us. I dare not let him find out just how insecure I feel right now. And I am afraid that one day these insecurities will take over again, and my logic will step in, before he has any chance to comfort me, and I will leave.

In this love battle, I have already lost. Maybe he already knows how much I’ve fallen @@

may13th 1717,

I can’t believe I cried, I actually cried when he came back online at close to 1. What were the tears for? I don’t know. But I remember feeling surprised, extremely happy, touched, couldn’t believe my eyes.. More of glad cuz he remembered me :) A little touched I guess… Angel, have I fallen already? It feels like I’m sinking in this pool of honey whenever I think of him… I’m dead, aren’t I? :(

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Take me to paradise :)

Angel,
548 in the morning, found myself on paul smith's website looking for gifts for every occasion. Scarf, then wallet, what next? Jotting everything down in my tiny brain, and hopefully, they will be put to use :)
Singing exchanges, late night beach talks, bedtime stories, what will be up next? I don't know, but excited to find out :) it's all those simple things in life, but somehow, I've never got to do in the past. does this list him as being different?
I thought, after all these dating experiences, maybe everything will just turn out the same, going through the same couple routines, movies, dinners, phone talks.. Everything that's to be done, I've been through done that. Until he came along and flipped my world over again. In a good way of course.
How long will this last, I don't know. First time after Cameron, I want to put my heart out there, to someone who has the ability to crush it. Am I afraid? Yes, definitely. But I am also willing to take this risk. Excitement rushes through me.
------
Come take me away, to a faraway planet.

Love, Charl

Angel,

Feverish day. And I find myself thinking about him the whole day.. Driving, sleeping.. His voice on skype seemed like the most comforting sound on Earth right now. How long do you think this feeling will last this time?
4 months' a long time he says, will anything change? I don't know, genuinely. But I hope nothing will change.
Had this talk with Jasmine yesterday, it seems like I've always been looking for people's shadows in others. Josh's, Cameron's.. And whenever similarities emerges, I form a romantic feeling towards that person. This time, it's kinda different. He forms a category on his own. But again, don't I say that every time?
Angel, do you think I'm ready yet? I don't know.. Maybe if we last through these 4 months, I will be..
------
Your voice is a lullaby to me, puts me into the sweetest dreams :)

J,

2nd night in Vegas, didn't feel like going clubbing.. What happened? I thought I was so ready to party hard in Vegas with the girls. I know no one will judge, I thought I will turn back to who I was in first year, just for a night. But instead, while all of them are out drinking, I'm sitting here in the bed, listening to the song you sang me on the night before you left for Nashville. My heart skipped a beat every time I see a new email coming in. Maybe it's time to give in to my logic again, at least until school starts. Over the years, I learnt that for a relationship to work, the most important thing is not the right person, but the right timing. Sounds sad doesn't it?
Do you believe in fate? Maybe meeting you was a beautiful mistake, knowing that there is someone in this world who actually matched up to all the things I'm looking for in a guy. Maybe that is enough for me, and it will be time for me to get back to reality soon again. You know, I suddenly had this thought, imagining myself as Cinderella, and every time the time strucks 12, everything will turn back to how it is originally meant to be. And I don't know why, but since young, I know that I am meant to be alone. Strived for 21 years in my life to get use to loneliness, still not coping very well, but I guess one day, one I will actually accept that fact.
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如果每次想你的瞬间犹如流星划过天际，
那你的身影在我脑海中早已勾画成一场美丽的流星雨⋯⋯
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如果爱情是一颗火种，
那这次的我愿意燃烧自己，
不再保留，不再害怕，
我想，真的好想，把自己的爱情火种点燃
让它疯狂的燃烧着，
而在那瞬间为你上演一场烟火晚会，
让爱情在萨那间点燃，奔放。
然后在你观赏完毕后消失，
因为那样，在你回忆中的我是完美无暇。

Dear angel,

After breaking up with Cameron.. I don't know, how am i suppose to trust? What are relationships? Some part of me wants to return to 5 years ago, when I was dating Luke Chong, innocently believing in everything that has be said to me, believing in that white wedding dress and happily ever after. Believe in love, in dreams, in fate. But over the past 3 years, all that hope about love, about dreams, built up in me since I was a young naive kid slowly crumbled into a pile of leftover scars and burnt memories. I've tried everything, done everything, from one night stands to long term relationships. In the end it's all the same. All relationships have a life span, all passion burns up in a short span of 6 months. Love, don't they all end up the same way, habits, can be changed over time anyways.
I've always looked forward to meeting my perfect half, but am I still? Searching for that blurry figure in my dream, wearing that black dress shirt? That vivid image that stayed in my mind for 5 years, is now fading away. How much of that dream do I remember? I don't know. In psychology we learn that our memory gets distorted with time, we start believing in what our mind wants us to. After another 5 years, what will be left of that dream?
I thought, all I wanted was someone to hold me to sleep, kiss me awake. But now, it feels like I am just as comfortable alone. And even when I have a new boyfriend, I am lonely. That loneliness, it doesn't go away. Angel, what should I do? Is this the cost of growing up?
I would like to invent a time machine, bring me back to that childhood, where I believed in Cinderella and her prince on the white horse; where I was so childishly satisfied waking up from that dream which I believed that I saw my husband. I would give up anything to feel that warmth in my heart when being hold in one's arm; I would do anything to feel my trembling heart when a cute boy walks by.
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Angel, maybe someday, you will come and rescue me again from this state of emotionless. And when that day comes, I will make sure I will give up everything for you. Just so that you will stay by my side:)