Babe,

you kept asking me if i still love you, but i don't know.. I really don't know. What is love? I don't know anymore.. What did we lose along our way, I don't know either. The only thing I am clear of is that I love you as a person, I love spending time with you, and yes, I do think that you deserve a lot better than what I can give. And you've once said that I can try hard to be the person who can give you that much, but babe, it is really tiring.. I tried, I tried hard enough that when I look back at the me from a year ago, I won't be able to recognize who that is anymore. Everything that I thought I was, I want, it's not what I am looking for anymore.
I guess, I was just hoping for a fresh start. I want you to recognize me for who I am right now, and not for my past self. Forget that girl and give us a new chance; maybe that is what I really am looking for in a break. To not confuse who I am with who I try to be when I'm with you. Am I making any sense?
The time that I went out with you, the time when you first knew you, I'm at my weakest. And I don't like myself being that way, that is not how I want to grow into. I never want to be dependent though I ended up being that way. I just want another chance to prove that wrong. And I thought, maybe without you or anyone being there for me will be a lot easier, so that I won't have a person to fall back on when I'm weak. I want to walk that road on my own, and know that I can do it.I was hoping that by the end of all these, you can see me as a independent, mature woman rather than an immature, promiscuous girl.
But I guess we can try again in Vancouver, with me trying to grow into someone I want to be, with a little more distance. I still really want to be with you babe, I just hope that you still have the confidence in me no matter which path we choose to go on.

Love,
Charl

First day without you; 22.08.10

Babe,
I didn't call you today.. Even when i feel lonelier than ever, but it feels like I am suppose to get used to it, it feels like I am suppose to be alone, so I should get used to it..
I wonder about days to come, days in Vancouver without you around. No doubt it will be hard, but I really hope that I can pull through. I really hope that I can figure out what I want very very soon. My mind is in a state of confusion. I wonder about past lives, maybe I have been reading too much. I think about my dreams. I think about the dream with that guy in black beside me, the one which I was on a hospital bed, and something tells me that I have just given birth. The warm fuzzy feeling.. Everything feels so distant now.. The dream has become fuzzier, some times I wonder, have I really dream about this or was I only imagining. I can't be sure.
I spent my whole day waking and walking in a whirlpool. I have never been so lost in my life. It felt like the drama triggered something in me, but I am not sure what. I remember, no matter how upset I am in life, I know that I will move on, I will be happier, I will forgive and forget. But today I am confused. What am I supposed to be moving on from? What is bothering me? Why am I feeling so confused for no reason? What was awaken in me? All these questions need an answer, but I can't seem to find any..
I saw fireworks today. They were so close to me, so bright, so beautiful. It feels like I can reach out and touch them with my bare hands. I want to be like those fireworks, to burst into light, even for short the split second. To be sure of my own worth. I want to take control of my life, steer it the way I want to go. To control my soul with my determination, and not let desires overrule logic.
At the same time, I want to go back to you, to lie in your arms and pretend that none of the above happened. To feel loved and secure, to not fear about a single thing in this world. I want to go back to last summer, where I was so broken and torn so you can fix me up over again. But then again, I knew that will be unfair to you, to go back to you over and over again when I need rest; but exclude you from all excursions that I want to take on.
I need to decide: to be a weak little girl depending on you; or to be a strong woman standing on my own. It finally came to a point where I have to decide, and not revert back to the decision again.
------
P.s. I still love you..

Charl

i fucked up.
creating unnecessary trouble for myself, for this relationship..
leaving everything behind, living in another time zone, i had a feeling of being free to do anything again in a span of 1 year. i embraced it, greedily savoring every seconds of it. and i forgot what is most important to me.
when moment i knew i hurt him, my heart stopped again. i do not know what else to say. the sorrow of betrayal that i have put him through endless times, i do not want to fend for myself anymore. i do not want to hurt him, ever, in the future. made me realised our gap in our morality.
i'd let myself die slowly inside, fall into the patch of ever-ending darkness, secretly watching him move on, leave me behind, finally emerging into the beautiful world.
---
i have nothing to begin with, you gave me everything, my smile, my love, my emotions, my trust.
now that you're gone, you are free to take everything that you gave me with you..
let my broken smile be repaired on your face; take my trust and keep it in your heart; bring my love and give to someone else; embrace my emotions and treasure that every second of happiness i've felt with you, share it with your other half..
then.. even in darkness, i'll see the light of your smile, feel the warmth of your love. while i fade away in the background

Every time you walk close,
the calmness within me ripples to the rhythm of your heartbeat;
the lustful passion in my bloodstream dance to your whispering seduction.
I shy away, only to be lured closer;
I run and hide, only to provoke a temptation, more alluring.
The is the dangerous love game we play..
But now, I must leave, for good
to stop myself from falling,
to save myself from drowning.
For I have already slowly fallen head over toes,
lost in your words, your voice, your smile.

Father,

I've tried very hard. But overtime we get into an argument, i will for sure remember everything that you have done and everything you are still doing now. It doesn't matter now much you think you showed that you cared. Trust is something that you earn anyways. You have wasted my chances too many times. That now i still hate you all over again. Since i was 8, since the day you left, I have changed. Until i met cameron I thought i could have gotten over the insecurities that I have gained when you left, when you lied, when you walked out on me. But no, every time i try to believe i fail. and every time you fail me.
Some wounds can never be healed, some mistakes can never be meant. that is why the past still haunts the present. Since the day you left i have stopped trusting you or the world and that is not gonna ever change from today onwards. I have hated you all my life. And I won't tell you till the day you die in bed.