天使，
当两人之间本有的快乐变成误解、沉默时，一方是否需要做出要否继续的决定？
恋爱原本该是幸福，可不知何时，感情慢慢有了缝隙，再渐渐变大，决裂。站在悬崖的两极，听不见对方的呐喊，这样，我们慢慢放弃、离开，选择寻找另一个更适合自己的对象。
------
当我与他之间出现无言以对的情况，我选择了逃避。躲进一个人的房里，心中渴望如果看不见，原本在的问题会消失，不见。愚蠢。
------
面对无言的他，我是否该选择暂时离开？
Monday, December 7, 2009
Friday, November 20, 2009
Sometime on a 2009 summer plane..
940 am, vancouver time
i was looking out the plane window, amazed to find a pastel coloured rainbow painted across the sky by the early morning sun, listening to some sweet chinese songs randomly picked by my ipod. that instant, i felt this sudden surge of yearning for cammy again.. never did i know that missing someone could be such a bitter sweet experience. and i want to record all these tiny emotions that im feeling through the day, into a little online diary, just for keepsake.
I have no idea why i can never write sweet honey-worded emails to cammy like how i often did for the past boyfriends. i never knew where to start, or put my emotions into words. it almost feel like im back to a young girl again, innocent and longing to learn more about how a relationship works. gradually realised that being through numerous relationships doesn't make me a relationship expert. but of course, according to anna, each and every relationship is different, that's why we have to put in our best for each and every one of them. but, secretly, i still choose to believe that this one is simply different.
Ever since the day daddy turned his back on me when i was very young, i lost trust in guys. allowing them to do whatever. flirting is just another nature of guys isn't it? pretending that i don't care, allowing them to hurt me however. like a vicious cycle, i retreated further and further into my little closed world of emotions. cutting lose from them is the most convenient way of not getting hurt too badly ever, isn't it? from time to time, allowing myself to fall for jerks that don't give a damn, that just became another part of the "evidence" that i gathered about how guys are born jerks. reconfirming my theory of "99 percent of the guys in the whole world are jerks, the remaining one percent are gay". but ever since cammy slowly, unknowingly creeped into my world, he turned my theory up side down. and maybe, i just refused to believe it. i know, if he ever hurt me, it'll be over. choosing not to believe all his promises, hurting him, i thought it would be a way of escaping from this one person who doesn't fit into my logic. but now, i just can't hurt him anymore.
now thinking back, even i don't know when i begin slowly falling for him. somehow, it feels like it had been a long but i just kept denying it..but now, i won't mind spending every single day for the rest of my life with him. there wil be challenges, we will fight one day; but as long as we stay true to each other, we will be able to over come all obstacles, won't we? that is wha he believes in, and now, im starting to believe in that too..
------
sometimes, i feel like a little fool, cuz i start planning out everything in the future, like he will be the man i'll marry. well i don't think i'll ever mind that. but 19 sounds still soo sooo early for marriage doesn't it? oh cammy... i do sometimes wonder what kind of magical powers you have, or did you love-potioned me ever.
------
charlotte
i was looking out the plane window, amazed to find a pastel coloured rainbow painted across the sky by the early morning sun, listening to some sweet chinese songs randomly picked by my ipod. that instant, i felt this sudden surge of yearning for cammy again.. never did i know that missing someone could be such a bitter sweet experience. and i want to record all these tiny emotions that im feeling through the day, into a little online diary, just for keepsake.
I have no idea why i can never write sweet honey-worded emails to cammy like how i often did for the past boyfriends. i never knew where to start, or put my emotions into words. it almost feel like im back to a young girl again, innocent and longing to learn more about how a relationship works. gradually realised that being through numerous relationships doesn't make me a relationship expert. but of course, according to anna, each and every relationship is different, that's why we have to put in our best for each and every one of them. but, secretly, i still choose to believe that this one is simply different.
Ever since the day daddy turned his back on me when i was very young, i lost trust in guys. allowing them to do whatever. flirting is just another nature of guys isn't it? pretending that i don't care, allowing them to hurt me however. like a vicious cycle, i retreated further and further into my little closed world of emotions. cutting lose from them is the most convenient way of not getting hurt too badly ever, isn't it? from time to time, allowing myself to fall for jerks that don't give a damn, that just became another part of the "evidence" that i gathered about how guys are born jerks. reconfirming my theory of "99 percent of the guys in the whole world are jerks, the remaining one percent are gay". but ever since cammy slowly, unknowingly creeped into my world, he turned my theory up side down. and maybe, i just refused to believe it. i know, if he ever hurt me, it'll be over. choosing not to believe all his promises, hurting him, i thought it would be a way of escaping from this one person who doesn't fit into my logic. but now, i just can't hurt him anymore.
now thinking back, even i don't know when i begin slowly falling for him. somehow, it feels like it had been a long but i just kept denying it..but now, i won't mind spending every single day for the rest of my life with him. there wil be challenges, we will fight one day; but as long as we stay true to each other, we will be able to over come all obstacles, won't we? that is wha he believes in, and now, im starting to believe in that too..
------
sometimes, i feel like a little fool, cuz i start planning out everything in the future, like he will be the man i'll marry. well i don't think i'll ever mind that. but 19 sounds still soo sooo early for marriage doesn't it? oh cammy... i do sometimes wonder what kind of magical powers you have, or did you love-potioned me ever.
------
charlotte
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Dearest angel,
Has there been a time when there's so much you wanna tell the one you love, but it just doesn't come out. You love them for being the stupidest self, doing the weirdest thing. Maybe love, is a type of gratitude. Thanking a person for being so truthful to yourself, thanking them for trusting you so much to show you the most vulnerable part. In return, you reveal yours. What really love is, I dun think anyone can really explain. Maybe it is jsut everything combined in one.
Still learning,
Charlotte
Has there been a time when there's so much you wanna tell the one you love, but it just doesn't come out. You love them for being the stupidest self, doing the weirdest thing. Maybe love, is a type of gratitude. Thanking a person for being so truthful to yourself, thanking them for trusting you so much to show you the most vulnerable part. In return, you reveal yours. What really love is, I dun think anyone can really explain. Maybe it is jsut everything combined in one.
Still learning,
Charlotte
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
Dear angel of dreams
I often long to be someone else.. Have you? Someone more witty? More independent? More caring.. Sweeter, nicer, happier. While what I have already become, seems like no one. Never contented with who I am.
Seeming confident at times, yes. Seeming smart and sarcastic and independent? Yes. But how come, it seems to me that I am never really contented with who I am? Often I others, don't thik so much, we all love you for you are, no one can be perfect.. I know that all but really? Telling Jiaying how she should not care that much how others view her. But deep within, it feels like I'm actually much much more insecure than she is. About everything. Family, friends, lovers..
And often looking back, there are so much that happened last year that i wish to undo. Never once in my life, I've wanted to turn back time so badly. Hatred was a word that I thought I would never encounter with again. Forgiveness was my resolution to everyone who has done me wrong.. Trying hard not to be like a Scorpio, not vengeful, not jealous, not possessive.. All that I wish I'm not. Been denying all this while, that I am no where close to these qualities. Convincing myself to forgive and forget; that I don't hold grudges, that I shouldn't blame anyone for mistakes that I have made; that I can be friends with anyone, even if they've crossed my path.. But just suddenly I woke up one day realising that I can't. All that I was striving hard to be, a cheerful girl who forgives and forgets, who remembers only happiness and good times a person brought to her.. I'm not like that. So what have I become? Overnight it seemed like I have lost myself. I still hate, I still can't let go, I still wish I can be bitchy and never ever see that person ever again, and slap him in the face and curse him to never attain happiness in his life. But yet again, I can't. Helplessly swingly back and forth the 2 extremes. Once I viewed myself as being someone who can don't care about everything that happened in life, but not really... I can't really.. Have you ever felt that helpless in your life? Or do you see me as someone so small, so dependent on everything, everyone. Hate to admit, but in the end, after the whole year, I still bowed to the very fact that I am just like any other girl walking, living in this world. One who cares about every little detail.. Wishes to be understood without having to speak. Humans.. We're all alike, aren't we? No matter how hard we strive ot be different from each other. No matter how hard we strive to be more independent, not rely on another person, there's still always part of us longing to be discovered by someone who just really cares and loves you for no matter who you are.. and that is always easier said than done. History will always matter, no matter what you did.
Angel, regrets.. Do they do you any good?
Truly,
Charlotte
I often long to be someone else.. Have you? Someone more witty? More independent? More caring.. Sweeter, nicer, happier. While what I have already become, seems like no one. Never contented with who I am.
Seeming confident at times, yes. Seeming smart and sarcastic and independent? Yes. But how come, it seems to me that I am never really contented with who I am? Often I others, don't thik so much, we all love you for you are, no one can be perfect.. I know that all but really? Telling Jiaying how she should not care that much how others view her. But deep within, it feels like I'm actually much much more insecure than she is. About everything. Family, friends, lovers..
And often looking back, there are so much that happened last year that i wish to undo. Never once in my life, I've wanted to turn back time so badly. Hatred was a word that I thought I would never encounter with again. Forgiveness was my resolution to everyone who has done me wrong.. Trying hard not to be like a Scorpio, not vengeful, not jealous, not possessive.. All that I wish I'm not. Been denying all this while, that I am no where close to these qualities. Convincing myself to forgive and forget; that I don't hold grudges, that I shouldn't blame anyone for mistakes that I have made; that I can be friends with anyone, even if they've crossed my path.. But just suddenly I woke up one day realising that I can't. All that I was striving hard to be, a cheerful girl who forgives and forgets, who remembers only happiness and good times a person brought to her.. I'm not like that. So what have I become? Overnight it seemed like I have lost myself. I still hate, I still can't let go, I still wish I can be bitchy and never ever see that person ever again, and slap him in the face and curse him to never attain happiness in his life. But yet again, I can't. Helplessly swingly back and forth the 2 extremes. Once I viewed myself as being someone who can don't care about everything that happened in life, but not really... I can't really.. Have you ever felt that helpless in your life? Or do you see me as someone so small, so dependent on everything, everyone. Hate to admit, but in the end, after the whole year, I still bowed to the very fact that I am just like any other girl walking, living in this world. One who cares about every little detail.. Wishes to be understood without having to speak. Humans.. We're all alike, aren't we? No matter how hard we strive ot be different from each other. No matter how hard we strive to be more independent, not rely on another person, there's still always part of us longing to be discovered by someone who just really cares and loves you for no matter who you are.. and that is always easier said than done. History will always matter, no matter what you did.
Angel, regrets.. Do they do you any good?
Truly,
Charlotte
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