Monday, May 30, 2011

Angel,

Sometimes, I just feel like pick up my phone and text him: "I miss you", as if I'm already his girlfriend or something.
Isn't it strange? With K, it was all physical/physiological effect. Everything happened so quick. moved on. But with J, despite that initial physical attraction, it is a lot more emotional attachment. A lot more trying to understand each other, trying to grow together. It's a good thing, isn't it? I just hope that all remains the same when I come back from Singapore.

So far so good.. One more week to a month.. I can sense it getting hard tho.. Initially everything was just sweet and nice. Well even now, I still get all smiley whenever I get to skype him or whenever I receive an email from him. My heart still flutters at the sight of his define cheek/collar bones. But I start missing him more, long for his voice, his presence in my life. I wonder how long I will be able to hide that... Need to concentrate on something meanwhile, in between all the waiting, I guess.. Study study study Charlotte!
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你的声音,像在窗外回荡的春风
挑逗着我对你刚刚萌芽的爱意
心跳像风铃般叮叮当当被你拨动着
轻哼一首甜甜的的情歌
好想好想让春天的风,带上我对你的情意
在你耳边送上一句:刘长鑫,我喜欢你⋯⋯

Love,
Charlotte

Thursday, May 26, 2011

Angel,

Maybe I thought I was ready for something else, maybe for those instantaneous moments that I spent with J, I thought I've moved on, I've forgotten, I've given back my love. Maybe I made a mistake going through past pictures, clicking on Tif's convocation picture..
But the sight of his face, still trigger memories, regrets, longing from the past. How stupid of me, psyching myself out again. Giving others, giving myself false hopes. But how should I stop? How can I stop?
------
天蝎座,当爱上一个人时,要不然是半年,要不是半辈子。
那个他,早已远去,带着我的爱,我的回忆
我们已走到了一个无法回头的未来,可那满满的爱该怎么释怀?
我向上帝祈祷,希望这个雨季可以带走、从淡两年前在春天萌芽的爱。
两年,原来我已爱上他两年了⋯⋯
天使,但我是否该庆幸?
他虽带走了我的爱与回忆
但至少,最至少我的快乐,笑容依然,永远会是我的⋯ :)

Friday, May 20, 2011

Dear Angel,
I don't want to know what's the "but"; I don't want to know his flaws. I just want to plunge in, dive into whatever he has to offer, savour every bit of it. At least for this moment. Let me be rash, let my mind go crazy, soul go wild again. Even if it means to get my heart broken again into a thousand million pieces. I am no longer fearing... So be it.
This passion in me, let it burn...

Love,
Charl

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Dear Angel,

So, here I am listening to the only recording I have of his voice. Was talking to liyan,
"It's only been a week!" she says, "Ok, fine, 2.. You're not gonna last 4 months.."
I wonder too...
"So just do whatever makes you happy!"
I guess...
What do you think angel? 4 months sure is a long time.. But I haven't felt like spoiling anyone for so long. It's like the only thing that I look forward to each day is his email. That anticipation actually wakes me up, keeps me from going back to bed. Hmm, something that gets me out of my bed, that sure makes a difference doesn't it?
Edwin says we're all gooey.. Is that a bad thing? I don't think we are.. Was I ever like this before? I thought I was always the cool one..
------
Took me so much to type out "I miss you".. Drained me of all my strength that night, it's like me finally admitting to liking him, telling him. That makes me feel vulnerable and exposed. I don't like being exposed. I like keeping things to myself, with only me knowing what I'm feeling. Besides Edwin, didn't dare to let anyone else know how I feel. Seems a lil too fast again. What are you up to again Charlotte dear? Haven't you learn well from your last mistake??
Practicing cooking, buying chocolates, writing cards.. What else?
------
I crave for his smile which drifted miles away
miss his warmth from what seems like yesterday
So near, yet so far..
In this rainy May,
I pray, for
My love won't fade away.

Love,
Charl

Friday, May 13, 2011

天使,

没有谈过恋爱的男生都是白痴吗? :( 怎么都不懂女生的心理啊~

明知道我会想和他说话,连等十分钟也不行⋯⋯白痴白痴白痴白痴!!

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Angel, tell me, how long has it been since I last felt this way about anyone? All these little secrets that I keep in my diary, that I’m afraid of letting anyone know. How many entries have I been writing ever since meeting him? How many hours in a day do I spend NOT thinking about him? I have indeed gone mad, just like Alice in Wonderland :( And will he be able to deal with this madness? I’m unsure and afraid. More than anything.. He needs his space, time to work, for his friends, his rest, his food, his family… Maybe if I’m lucky, I’ll come in 7th place for now?

When was the last time I’ve been following another’s foot-step, making sure to be one step behind, just like a little girl, following someone else’s foot step. So she won’t be regarded as annoying, spoilt.

Angel, there’s so much I wanted to ask him today.. How his day was, tiring? Where will he be going to, what time’s the drive tomorrow, wish him good luck. Most importantly, I was just hoping to catch a glimpse of his face, a trace of his voice and I’ll be satisfied. Been on his facebook countless times, maybe even able to recited the first 10 pictures of his tagged pictures made available for me. Stalkerish to the point of scariness yes I know, so promise me, this will be a secret between you and I? Shh…

------

What are changes gonna be in these 4 months? I am more scared than ever. Never in my life I’ve been so afraid. Usually, am I not the one to embrace changes? He asks me, what do I think about these 4 months, I replied, I don’t know. The truth is, I am scared to let him know how much I want everything to remain the same, at least between us. I dare not let him find out just how insecure I feel right now. And I am afraid that one day these insecurities will take over again, and my logic will step in, before he has any chance to comfort me, and I will leave.

In this love battle, I have already lost. Maybe he already knows how much I’ve fallen @@

may13th 1717,

I can’t believe I cried, I actually cried when he came back online at close to 1. What were the tears for? I don’t know. But I remember feeling surprised, extremely happy, touched, couldn’t believe my eyes.. More of glad cuz he remembered me :) A little touched I guess… Angel, have I fallen already? It feels like I’m sinking in this pool of honey whenever I think of him… I’m dead, aren’t I? :(

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Take me to paradise :)


Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Angel,
548 in the morning, found myself on paul smith's website looking for gifts for every occasion. Scarf, then wallet, what next? Jotting everything down in my tiny brain, and hopefully, they will be put to use :)
Singing exchanges, late night beach talks, bedtime stories, what will be up next? I don't know, but excited to find out :) it's all those simple things in life, but somehow, I've never got to do in the past. does this list him as being different?
I thought, after all these dating experiences, maybe everything will just turn out the same, going through the same couple routines, movies, dinners, phone talks.. Everything that's to be done, I've been through done that. Until he came along and flipped my world over again. In a good way of course.
How long will this last, I don't know. First time after Cameron, I want to put my heart out there, to someone who has the ability to crush it. Am I afraid? Yes, definitely. But I am also willing to take this risk. Excitement rushes through me.
------
Come take me away, to a faraway planet.

Love, Charl

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Angel,

Feverish day. And I find myself thinking about him the whole day.. Driving, sleeping.. His voice on skype seemed like the most comforting sound on Earth right now. How long do you think this feeling will last this time?
4 months' a long time he says, will anything change? I don't know, genuinely. But I hope nothing will change.
Had this talk with Jasmine yesterday, it seems like I've always been looking for people's shadows in others. Josh's, Cameron's.. And whenever similarities emerges, I form a romantic feeling towards that person. This time, it's kinda different. He forms a category on his own. But again, don't I say that every time?
Angel, do you think I'm ready yet? I don't know.. Maybe if we last through these 4 months, I will be..
------
Your voice is a lullaby to me, puts me into the sweetest dreams :)

Thursday, May 5, 2011

J,

2nd night in Vegas, didn't feel like going clubbing.. What happened? I thought I was so ready to party hard in Vegas with the girls. I know no one will judge, I thought I will turn back to who I was in first year, just for a night. But instead, while all of them are out drinking, I'm sitting here in the bed, listening to the song you sang me on the night before you left for Nashville. My heart skipped a beat every time I see a new email coming in. Maybe it's time to give in to my logic again, at least until school starts. Over the years, I learnt that for a relationship to work, the most important thing is not the right person, but the right timing. Sounds sad doesn't it?
Do you believe in fate? Maybe meeting you was a beautiful mistake, knowing that there is someone in this world who actually matched up to all the things I'm looking for in a guy. Maybe that is enough for me, and it will be time for me to get back to reality soon again. You know, I suddenly had this thought, imagining myself as Cinderella, and every time the time strucks 12, everything will turn back to how it is originally meant to be. And I don't know why, but since young, I know that I am meant to be alone. Strived for 21 years in my life to get use to loneliness, still not coping very well, but I guess one day, one I will actually accept that fact.
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如果每次想你的瞬间犹如流星划过天际,
那你的身影在我脑海中早已勾画成一场美丽的流星雨⋯⋯
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如果爱情是一颗火种,
那这次的我愿意燃烧自己,
不再保留,不再害怕,
我想,真的好想,把自己的爱情火种点燃
让它疯狂的燃烧着,
而在那瞬间为你上演一场烟火晚会,
让爱情在萨那间点燃,奔放。
然后在你观赏完毕后消失,
因为那样,在你回忆中的我是完美无暇。