Dear angel,
After breaking up with Cameron.. I don't know, how am i suppose to trust? What are relationships? Some part of me wants to return to 5 years ago, when I was dating Luke Chong, innocently believing in everything that has be said to me, believing in that white wedding dress and happily ever after. Believe in love, in dreams, in fate. But over the past 3 years, all that hope about love, about dreams, built up in me since I was a young naive kid slowly crumbled into a pile of leftover scars and burnt memories. I've tried everything, done everything, from one night stands to long term relationships. In the end it's all the same. All relationships have a life span, all passion burns up in a short span of 6 months. Love, don't they all end up the same way, habits, can be changed over time anyways.
I've always looked forward to meeting my perfect half, but am I still? Searching for that blurry figure in my dream, wearing that black dress shirt? That vivid image that stayed in my mind for 5 years, is now fading away. How much of that dream do I remember? I don't know. In psychology we learn that our memory gets distorted with time, we start believing in what our mind wants us to. After another 5 years, what will be left of that dream?
I thought, all I wanted was someone to hold me to sleep, kiss me awake. But now, it feels like I am just as comfortable alone. And even when I have a new boyfriend, I am lonely. That loneliness, it doesn't go away. Angel, what should I do? Is this the cost of growing up?
I would like to invent a time machine, bring me back to that childhood, where I believed in Cinderella and her prince on the white horse; where I was so childishly satisfied waking up from that dream which I believed that I saw my husband. I would give up anything to feel that warmth in my heart when being hold in one's arm; I would do anything to feel my trembling heart when a cute boy walks by.
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Angel, maybe someday, you will come and rescue me again from this state of emotionless. And when that day comes, I will make sure I will give up everything for you. Just so that you will stay by my side:)
