940 am, vancouver time
i was looking out the plane window, amazed to find a pastel coloured rainbow painted across the sky by the early morning sun, listening to some sweet chinese songs randomly picked by my ipod. that instant, i felt this sudden surge of yearning for cammy again.. never did i know that missing someone could be such a bitter sweet experience. and i want to record all these tiny emotions that im feeling through the day, into a little online diary, just for keepsake.
I have no idea why i can never write sweet honey-worded emails to cammy like how i often did for the past boyfriends. i never knew where to start, or put my emotions into words. it almost feel like im back to a young girl again, innocent and longing to learn more about how a relationship works. gradually realised that being through numerous relationships doesn't make me a relationship expert. but of course, according to anna, each and every relationship is different, that's why we have to put in our best for each and every one of them. but, secretly, i still choose to believe that this one is simply different.
Ever since the day daddy turned his back on me when i was very young, i lost trust in guys. allowing them to do whatever. flirting is just another nature of guys isn't it? pretending that i don't care, allowing them to hurt me however. like a vicious cycle, i retreated further and further into my little closed world of emotions. cutting lose from them is the most convenient way of not getting hurt too badly ever, isn't it? from time to time, allowing myself to fall for jerks that don't give a damn, that just became another part of the "evidence" that i gathered about how guys are born jerks. reconfirming my theory of "99 percent of the guys in the whole world are jerks, the remaining one percent are gay". but ever since cammy slowly, unknowingly creeped into my world, he turned my theory up side down. and maybe, i just refused to believe it. i know, if he ever hurt me, it'll be over. choosing not to believe all his promises, hurting him, i thought it would be a way of escaping from this one person who doesn't fit into my logic. but now, i just can't hurt him anymore.
now thinking back, even i don't know when i begin slowly falling for him. somehow, it feels like it had been a long but i just kept denying it..but now, i won't mind spending every single day for the rest of my life with him. there wil be challenges, we will fight one day; but as long as we stay true to each other, we will be able to over come all obstacles, won't we? that is wha he believes in, and now, im starting to believe in that too..
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sometimes, i feel like a little fool, cuz i start planning out everything in the future, like he will be the man i'll marry. well i don't think i'll ever mind that. but 19 sounds still soo sooo early for marriage doesn't it? oh cammy... i do sometimes wonder what kind of magical powers you have, or did you love-potioned me ever.
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charlotte
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