窗外在飘着雪，是满天飞舞的，华丽的，给这个有人的季节又在增添了丝丝凉意。房里是温热的。7个女孩，和5个19岁的男孩共处了3日。男孩们有活力，还带着一点偏幼稚。那份天不怕，地不怕，明天一切会更好的心理，虽有些恼人，但细想后还是蛮可爱的。我想：几年前的我是否也是如此。而现在呢？那份勇气，那份天真，稚气又跑去了哪里？和他们打着雪战，我怀念16岁的我。讨回了在我心中还余留着的一丝童真。那时的笑我想是发自内心是快乐的。
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我害怕老去，比谁都怕。18岁那年就觉得我的一生已过了一半。不知为何我从没相信过会有人陪我走完一生。常抱着爱情不放，可又固执的把爱推开因为害怕失去，所以从不敢拥有。我就是那么的懦弱。
女人最灿烂，最动人，最光鲜的年龄不过在16－25 岁之间。而22岁的我早已快用尽，挥霍玩了我的年轻，美丽。剩下的年月女人只能无奈的看着自己一天一天衰老，枯萎。那是再有权威，智慧的女人也无法避免的命运。我害怕。我害怕在这些岁月里我需要一个人走。我想相信嘉说的话。但我更害怕失去本已拥有的。我无奈，我挣扎，我迷茫。
Saturday, January 7, 2012
Sunday, December 18, 2011
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
Sunday, July 17, 2011
Dear Angel,
Things I've learnt about people in general. When you care too much, you will never get to the top of their list. In a way, maybe I should just care less. Just love myself. No matter what happens, love myself the most. So even if one day no one loves me in the world, I will still have myself. Is that being too selfish?
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Keep getting into arguments with mother this time I came back, I don't know why either. But every time kicks up an argument, just makes me want to run away more. The more she wants me attention, the more she gets jealous, the more I turn away from her. There is nothing I want to say to her. There is nothing that interest both of us. That's why I choose to say nothing. There is nothing going on in my life, what's there to share? Why do I talk to my friends more? Simply cuz they have things to tell me! Why do I talk to Jasmine all the time? Cuz shw updates me with her daily share of scandals and stories. Hence I listen. What does my mum share? How annoying my aunt and uncle is? I listen too. I comment. But what else is new? Nothing. Why have I not told her anything about my life yet? Because she judges, she gets jealous. That's why I have not told her anything about Joe yet. I want to.. I really do. Many times, it's slipping out, but somehow I managed to hold it back. Because I don't want her to worry. Hence there is nothing left to say.
I don't know who's fault it is that our relationship ended up in this way. Maybe both parties we have fault. And both of us too stubborn to admit at wrong. Maybe I never gave her enough securities, but in a way, I don't know how to. I thought I have already been doing my best but she is always asking for more. How am I to give in all the time. I know that she has done a lot for me, and I do truly appreciate it but still, there is nothing I can do or want to do about it. Cuz any further step I take, I'm losing.
Balance in life, I've been trying to maintain. But when you meet someone so possessive, how do I learn to love and accept? Will it come to one day that I will give up myself to be who she wants me to be? No. I love myself too much for that..
Love,
Charlotte
Things I've learnt about people in general. When you care too much, you will never get to the top of their list. In a way, maybe I should just care less. Just love myself. No matter what happens, love myself the most. So even if one day no one loves me in the world, I will still have myself. Is that being too selfish?
------
Keep getting into arguments with mother this time I came back, I don't know why either. But every time kicks up an argument, just makes me want to run away more. The more she wants me attention, the more she gets jealous, the more I turn away from her. There is nothing I want to say to her. There is nothing that interest both of us. That's why I choose to say nothing. There is nothing going on in my life, what's there to share? Why do I talk to my friends more? Simply cuz they have things to tell me! Why do I talk to Jasmine all the time? Cuz shw updates me with her daily share of scandals and stories. Hence I listen. What does my mum share? How annoying my aunt and uncle is? I listen too. I comment. But what else is new? Nothing. Why have I not told her anything about my life yet? Because she judges, she gets jealous. That's why I have not told her anything about Joe yet. I want to.. I really do. Many times, it's slipping out, but somehow I managed to hold it back. Because I don't want her to worry. Hence there is nothing left to say.
I don't know who's fault it is that our relationship ended up in this way. Maybe both parties we have fault. And both of us too stubborn to admit at wrong. Maybe I never gave her enough securities, but in a way, I don't know how to. I thought I have already been doing my best but she is always asking for more. How am I to give in all the time. I know that she has done a lot for me, and I do truly appreciate it but still, there is nothing I can do or want to do about it. Cuz any further step I take, I'm losing.
Balance in life, I've been trying to maintain. But when you meet someone so possessive, how do I learn to love and accept? Will it come to one day that I will give up myself to be who she wants me to be? No. I love myself too much for that..
Love,
Charlotte
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
Dear Angel
Why do I dread coming back to Singapore? You wonder why I dread coming back to Singapore.
Simple, two Chinese word, 好烦!
Just all the naggings, and more nagging.. How old am I? I wonder too. Is a 22 year old too young to realise what time it is to come home? Is keeping her accompanied MOST of the nights still not good enough for her? Is wearing new things wrong? Is shopping my fault when SHE is clearly the one who wants to buy stuff for me? I don't even feel like shopping honestly, there is jsut simply NOTHING I can do here nevertheless. So ok, now, no hanging out with friends. Should I just stay at home and rot? Yea, then maybe I shouldn't even come back, I might as well stay in Vancouver and rot. Isn't that the same thing? At least I snack whenever I want, go out whenever I want, wear new thing whenever I want, without any permissions.
Yes I shouldn't be mad. Then what?
Why do I dread coming back to Singapore? You wonder why I dread coming back to Singapore.
Simple, two Chinese word, 好烦!
Just all the naggings, and more nagging.. How old am I? I wonder too. Is a 22 year old too young to realise what time it is to come home? Is keeping her accompanied MOST of the nights still not good enough for her? Is wearing new things wrong? Is shopping my fault when SHE is clearly the one who wants to buy stuff for me? I don't even feel like shopping honestly, there is jsut simply NOTHING I can do here nevertheless. So ok, now, no hanging out with friends. Should I just stay at home and rot? Yea, then maybe I shouldn't even come back, I might as well stay in Vancouver and rot. Isn't that the same thing? At least I snack whenever I want, go out whenever I want, wear new thing whenever I want, without any permissions.
Yes I shouldn't be mad. Then what?
Friday, June 10, 2011
Dear Angel,
It's June 10th again..
Sending him a facebook message on his birthday is like a habit that I have formed. Knowing that he will never reply.. I don't know.. his disappearance from my life, it was quiet. Even though there was a dramatic argument, his made his exit so quietly, I don't know how to explain.. It's like, he left, but I never missed him. Just like he was there making a difference in my life, and I never felt it before either. For he is the reason why I buy every guy I like Paul Smith. He is the reason why I want to see Tag Heuer on my future husband. He is reason why I fell in love with men who can sing. He is the reason why I stopped modelling. He is the reason why Wheverever you will go is my favourite song. He is the reason for who I am today.
He rescued me from misery, bad memories, but in return, I gave him mine. Have I ever loved him? I don't know.. I never thought I did at least. I never thought that love, he was just always there. Always so secretly, so quietly.. So quiet that when he left, I took no notice at all either. But I wish him happiness, even willing to give him mine. He is the shadow I search for in every man.
Love,
Charl
It's June 10th again..
Sending him a facebook message on his birthday is like a habit that I have formed. Knowing that he will never reply.. I don't know.. his disappearance from my life, it was quiet. Even though there was a dramatic argument, his made his exit so quietly, I don't know how to explain.. It's like, he left, but I never missed him. Just like he was there making a difference in my life, and I never felt it before either. For he is the reason why I buy every guy I like Paul Smith. He is the reason why I want to see Tag Heuer on my future husband. He is reason why I fell in love with men who can sing. He is the reason why I stopped modelling. He is the reason why Wheverever you will go is my favourite song. He is the reason for who I am today.
He rescued me from misery, bad memories, but in return, I gave him mine. Have I ever loved him? I don't know.. I never thought I did at least. I never thought that love, he was just always there. Always so secretly, so quietly.. So quiet that when he left, I took no notice at all either. But I wish him happiness, even willing to give him mine. He is the shadow I search for in every man.
Josh,
I don't think we'd ever talk again. Maybe you never knew, you're the man who has made the greatest impact on my life. Your words are the only ones that kept ringing in my ears, every day, every minute. I wish you happy.
Love,
Charl
Monday, May 30, 2011
Angel,
Sometimes, I just feel like pick up my phone and text him: "I miss you", as if I'm already his girlfriend or something.
Isn't it strange? With K, it was all physical/physiological effect. Everything happened so quick. moved on. But with J, despite that initial physical attraction, it is a lot more emotional attachment. A lot more trying to understand each other, trying to grow together. It's a good thing, isn't it? I just hope that all remains the same when I come back from Singapore.
So far so good.. One more week to a month.. I can sense it getting hard tho.. Initially everything was just sweet and nice. Well even now, I still get all smiley whenever I get to skype him or whenever I receive an email from him. My heart still flutters at the sight of his define cheek/collar bones. But I start missing him more, long for his voice, his presence in my life. I wonder how long I will be able to hide that... Need to concentrate on something meanwhile, in between all the waiting, I guess.. Study study study Charlotte!
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你的声音，像在窗外回荡的春风
挑逗着我对你刚刚萌芽的爱意
心跳像风铃般叮叮当当被你拨动着
轻哼一首甜甜的的情歌
好想好想让春天的风，带上我对你的情意
在你耳边送上一句：刘长鑫，我喜欢你⋯⋯
Love,
Charlotte
Sometimes, I just feel like pick up my phone and text him: "I miss you", as if I'm already his girlfriend or something.
Isn't it strange? With K, it was all physical/physiological effect. Everything happened so quick. moved on. But with J, despite that initial physical attraction, it is a lot more emotional attachment. A lot more trying to understand each other, trying to grow together. It's a good thing, isn't it? I just hope that all remains the same when I come back from Singapore.
So far so good.. One more week to a month.. I can sense it getting hard tho.. Initially everything was just sweet and nice. Well even now, I still get all smiley whenever I get to skype him or whenever I receive an email from him. My heart still flutters at the sight of his define cheek/collar bones. But I start missing him more, long for his voice, his presence in my life. I wonder how long I will be able to hide that... Need to concentrate on something meanwhile, in between all the waiting, I guess.. Study study study Charlotte!
------
你的声音，像在窗外回荡的春风
挑逗着我对你刚刚萌芽的爱意
心跳像风铃般叮叮当当被你拨动着
轻哼一首甜甜的的情歌
好想好想让春天的风，带上我对你的情意
在你耳边送上一句：刘长鑫，我喜欢你⋯⋯
Love,
Charlotte
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