Angel,

Feverish day. And I find myself thinking about him the whole day.. Driving, sleeping.. His voice on skype seemed like the most comforting sound on Earth right now. How long do you think this feeling will last this time?
4 months' a long time he says, will anything change? I don't know, genuinely. But I hope nothing will change.
Had this talk with Jasmine yesterday, it seems like I've always been looking for people's shadows in others. Josh's, Cameron's.. And whenever similarities emerges, I form a romantic feeling towards that person. This time, it's kinda different. He forms a category on his own. But again, don't I say that every time?
Angel, do you think I'm ready yet? I don't know.. Maybe if we last through these 4 months, I will be..
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Your voice is a lullaby to me, puts me into the sweetest dreams :)

J,

2nd night in Vegas, didn't feel like going clubbing.. What happened? I thought I was so ready to party hard in Vegas with the girls. I know no one will judge, I thought I will turn back to who I was in first year, just for a night. But instead, while all of them are out drinking, I'm sitting here in the bed, listening to the song you sang me on the night before you left for Nashville. My heart skipped a beat every time I see a new email coming in. Maybe it's time to give in to my logic again, at least until school starts. Over the years, I learnt that for a relationship to work, the most important thing is not the right person, but the right timing. Sounds sad doesn't it?
Do you believe in fate? Maybe meeting you was a beautiful mistake, knowing that there is someone in this world who actually matched up to all the things I'm looking for in a guy. Maybe that is enough for me, and it will be time for me to get back to reality soon again. You know, I suddenly had this thought, imagining myself as Cinderella, and every time the time strucks 12, everything will turn back to how it is originally meant to be. And I don't know why, but since young, I know that I am meant to be alone. Strived for 21 years in my life to get use to loneliness, still not coping very well, but I guess one day, one I will actually accept that fact.
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如果每次想你的瞬间犹如流星划过天际，
那你的身影在我脑海中早已勾画成一场美丽的流星雨⋯⋯
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如果爱情是一颗火种，
那这次的我愿意燃烧自己，
不再保留，不再害怕，
我想，真的好想，把自己的爱情火种点燃
让它疯狂的燃烧着，
而在那瞬间为你上演一场烟火晚会，
让爱情在萨那间点燃，奔放。
然后在你观赏完毕后消失，
因为那样，在你回忆中的我是完美无暇。

Dear angel,

After breaking up with Cameron.. I don't know, how am i suppose to trust? What are relationships? Some part of me wants to return to 5 years ago, when I was dating Luke Chong, innocently believing in everything that has be said to me, believing in that white wedding dress and happily ever after. Believe in love, in dreams, in fate. But over the past 3 years, all that hope about love, about dreams, built up in me since I was a young naive kid slowly crumbled into a pile of leftover scars and burnt memories. I've tried everything, done everything, from one night stands to long term relationships. In the end it's all the same. All relationships have a life span, all passion burns up in a short span of 6 months. Love, don't they all end up the same way, habits, can be changed over time anyways.
I've always looked forward to meeting my perfect half, but am I still? Searching for that blurry figure in my dream, wearing that black dress shirt? That vivid image that stayed in my mind for 5 years, is now fading away. How much of that dream do I remember? I don't know. In psychology we learn that our memory gets distorted with time, we start believing in what our mind wants us to. After another 5 years, what will be left of that dream?
I thought, all I wanted was someone to hold me to sleep, kiss me awake. But now, it feels like I am just as comfortable alone. And even when I have a new boyfriend, I am lonely. That loneliness, it doesn't go away. Angel, what should I do? Is this the cost of growing up?
I would like to invent a time machine, bring me back to that childhood, where I believed in Cinderella and her prince on the white horse; where I was so childishly satisfied waking up from that dream which I believed that I saw my husband. I would give up anything to feel that warmth in my heart when being hold in one's arm; I would do anything to feel my trembling heart when a cute boy walks by.
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Angel, maybe someday, you will come and rescue me again from this state of emotionless. And when that day comes, I will make sure I will give up everything for you. Just so that you will stay by my side:)

Babe,

you kept asking me if i still love you, but i don't know.. I really don't know. What is love? I don't know anymore.. What did we lose along our way, I don't know either. The only thing I am clear of is that I love you as a person, I love spending time with you, and yes, I do think that you deserve a lot better than what I can give. And you've once said that I can try hard to be the person who can give you that much, but babe, it is really tiring.. I tried, I tried hard enough that when I look back at the me from a year ago, I won't be able to recognize who that is anymore. Everything that I thought I was, I want, it's not what I am looking for anymore.
I guess, I was just hoping for a fresh start. I want you to recognize me for who I am right now, and not for my past self. Forget that girl and give us a new chance; maybe that is what I really am looking for in a break. To not confuse who I am with who I try to be when I'm with you. Am I making any sense?
The time that I went out with you, the time when you first knew you, I'm at my weakest. And I don't like myself being that way, that is not how I want to grow into. I never want to be dependent though I ended up being that way. I just want another chance to prove that wrong. And I thought, maybe without you or anyone being there for me will be a lot easier, so that I won't have a person to fall back on when I'm weak. I want to walk that road on my own, and know that I can do it.I was hoping that by the end of all these, you can see me as a independent, mature woman rather than an immature, promiscuous girl.
But I guess we can try again in Vancouver, with me trying to grow into someone I want to be, with a little more distance. I still really want to be with you babe, I just hope that you still have the confidence in me no matter which path we choose to go on.

Love,
Charl

First day without you; 22.08.10

Babe,
I didn't call you today.. Even when i feel lonelier than ever, but it feels like I am suppose to get used to it, it feels like I am suppose to be alone, so I should get used to it..
I wonder about days to come, days in Vancouver without you around. No doubt it will be hard, but I really hope that I can pull through. I really hope that I can figure out what I want very very soon. My mind is in a state of confusion. I wonder about past lives, maybe I have been reading too much. I think about my dreams. I think about the dream with that guy in black beside me, the one which I was on a hospital bed, and something tells me that I have just given birth. The warm fuzzy feeling.. Everything feels so distant now.. The dream has become fuzzier, some times I wonder, have I really dream about this or was I only imagining. I can't be sure.
I spent my whole day waking and walking in a whirlpool. I have never been so lost in my life. It felt like the drama triggered something in me, but I am not sure what. I remember, no matter how upset I am in life, I know that I will move on, I will be happier, I will forgive and forget. But today I am confused. What am I supposed to be moving on from? What is bothering me? Why am I feeling so confused for no reason? What was awaken in me? All these questions need an answer, but I can't seem to find any..
I saw fireworks today. They were so close to me, so bright, so beautiful. It feels like I can reach out and touch them with my bare hands. I want to be like those fireworks, to burst into light, even for short the split second. To be sure of my own worth. I want to take control of my life, steer it the way I want to go. To control my soul with my determination, and not let desires overrule logic.
At the same time, I want to go back to you, to lie in your arms and pretend that none of the above happened. To feel loved and secure, to not fear about a single thing in this world. I want to go back to last summer, where I was so broken and torn so you can fix me up over again. But then again, I knew that will be unfair to you, to go back to you over and over again when I need rest; but exclude you from all excursions that I want to take on.
I need to decide: to be a weak little girl depending on you; or to be a strong woman standing on my own. It finally came to a point where I have to decide, and not revert back to the decision again.
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P.s. I still love you..

Charl

i fucked up.
creating unnecessary trouble for myself, for this relationship..
leaving everything behind, living in another time zone, i had a feeling of being free to do anything again in a span of 1 year. i embraced it, greedily savoring every seconds of it. and i forgot what is most important to me.
when moment i knew i hurt him, my heart stopped again. i do not know what else to say. the sorrow of betrayal that i have put him through endless times, i do not want to fend for myself anymore. i do not want to hurt him, ever, in the future. made me realised our gap in our morality.
i'd let myself die slowly inside, fall into the patch of ever-ending darkness, secretly watching him move on, leave me behind, finally emerging into the beautiful world.
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i have nothing to begin with, you gave me everything, my smile, my love, my emotions, my trust.
now that you're gone, you are free to take everything that you gave me with you..
let my broken smile be repaired on your face; take my trust and keep it in your heart; bring my love and give to someone else; embrace my emotions and treasure that every second of happiness i've felt with you, share it with your other half..
then.. even in darkness, i'll see the light of your smile, feel the warmth of your love. while i fade away in the background

Every time you walk close,
the calmness within me ripples to the rhythm of your heartbeat;
the lustful passion in my bloodstream dance to your whispering seduction.
I shy away, only to be lured closer;
I run and hide, only to provoke a temptation, more alluring.
The is the dangerous love game we play..
But now, I must leave, for good
to stop myself from falling,
to save myself from drowning.
For I have already slowly fallen head over toes,
lost in your words, your voice, your smile.