Babe,
I didn't call you today.. Even when i feel lonelier than ever, but it feels like I am suppose to get used to it, it feels like I am suppose to be alone, so I should get used to it..
I wonder about days to come, days in Vancouver without you around. No doubt it will be hard, but I really hope that I can pull through. I really hope that I can figure out what I want very very soon. My mind is in a state of confusion. I wonder about past lives, maybe I have been reading too much. I think about my dreams. I think about the dream with that guy in black beside me, the one which I was on a hospital bed, and something tells me that I have just given birth. The warm fuzzy feeling.. Everything feels so distant now.. The dream has become fuzzier, some times I wonder, have I really dream about this or was I only imagining. I can't be sure.
I spent my whole day waking and walking in a whirlpool. I have never been so lost in my life. It felt like the drama triggered something in me, but I am not sure what. I remember, no matter how upset I am in life, I know that I will move on, I will be happier, I will forgive and forget. But today I am confused. What am I supposed to be moving on from? What is bothering me? Why am I feeling so confused for no reason? What was awaken in me? All these questions need an answer, but I can't seem to find any..
I saw fireworks today. They were so close to me, so bright, so beautiful. It feels like I can reach out and touch them with my bare hands. I want to be like those fireworks, to burst into light, even for short the split second. To be sure of my own worth. I want to take control of my life, steer it the way I want to go. To control my soul with my determination, and not let desires overrule logic.
At the same time, I want to go back to you, to lie in your arms and pretend that none of the above happened. To feel loved and secure, to not fear about a single thing in this world. I want to go back to last summer, where I was so broken and torn so you can fix me up over again. But then again, I knew that will be unfair to you, to go back to you over and over again when I need rest; but exclude you from all excursions that I want to take on.
I need to decide: to be a weak little girl depending on you; or to be a strong woman standing on my own. It finally came to a point where I have to decide, and not revert back to the decision again.
------
P.s. I still love you..
Charl
Saturday, August 21, 2010
Monday, July 5, 2010
i fucked up.
creating unnecessary trouble for myself, for this relationship..
leaving everything behind, living in another time zone, i had a feeling of being free to do anything again in a span of 1 year. i embraced it, greedily savoring every seconds of it. and i forgot what is most important to me.
when moment i knew i hurt him, my heart stopped again. i do not know what else to say. the sorrow of betrayal that i have put him through endless times, i do not want to fend for myself anymore. i do not want to hurt him, ever, in the future. made me realised our gap in our morality.
i'd let myself die slowly inside, fall into the patch of ever-ending darkness, secretly watching him move on, leave me behind, finally emerging into the beautiful world.
---
i have nothing to begin with, you gave me everything, my smile, my love, my emotions, my trust.
now that you're gone, you are free to take everything that you gave me with you..
let my broken smile be repaired on your face; take my trust and keep it in your heart; bring my love and give to someone else; embrace my emotions and treasure that every second of happiness i've felt with you, share it with your other half..
then.. even in darkness, i'll see the light of your smile, feel the warmth of your love. while i fade away in the background
creating unnecessary trouble for myself, for this relationship..
leaving everything behind, living in another time zone, i had a feeling of being free to do anything again in a span of 1 year. i embraced it, greedily savoring every seconds of it. and i forgot what is most important to me.
when moment i knew i hurt him, my heart stopped again. i do not know what else to say. the sorrow of betrayal that i have put him through endless times, i do not want to fend for myself anymore. i do not want to hurt him, ever, in the future. made me realised our gap in our morality.
i'd let myself die slowly inside, fall into the patch of ever-ending darkness, secretly watching him move on, leave me behind, finally emerging into the beautiful world.
---
i have nothing to begin with, you gave me everything, my smile, my love, my emotions, my trust.
now that you're gone, you are free to take everything that you gave me with you..
let my broken smile be repaired on your face; take my trust and keep it in your heart; bring my love and give to someone else; embrace my emotions and treasure that every second of happiness i've felt with you, share it with your other half..
then.. even in darkness, i'll see the light of your smile, feel the warmth of your love. while i fade away in the background
Thursday, July 1, 2010
Every time you walk close,
the calmness within me ripples to the rhythm of your heartbeat;
the lustful passion in my bloodstream dance to your whispering seduction.
I shy away, only to be lured closer;
I run and hide, only to provoke a temptation, more alluring.
The is the dangerous love game we play..
But now, I must leave, for good
to stop myself from falling,
to save myself from drowning.
For I have already slowly fallen head over toes,
lost in your words, your voice, your smile.
the calmness within me ripples to the rhythm of your heartbeat;
the lustful passion in my bloodstream dance to your whispering seduction.
I shy away, only to be lured closer;
I run and hide, only to provoke a temptation, more alluring.
The is the dangerous love game we play..
But now, I must leave, for good
to stop myself from falling,
to save myself from drowning.
For I have already slowly fallen head over toes,
lost in your words, your voice, your smile.
Sunday, January 3, 2010
Father,
I've tried very hard. But overtime we get into an argument, i will for sure remember everything that you have done and everything you are still doing now. It doesn't matter now much you think you showed that you cared. Trust is something that you earn anyways. You have wasted my chances too many times. That now i still hate you all over again. Since i was 8, since the day you left, I have changed. Until i met cameron I thought i could have gotten over the insecurities that I have gained when you left, when you lied, when you walked out on me. But no, every time i try to believe i fail. and every time you fail me.
Some wounds can never be healed, some mistakes can never be meant. that is why the past still haunts the present. Since the day you left i have stopped trusting you or the world and that is not gonna ever change from today onwards. I have hated you all my life. And I won't tell you till the day you die in bed.
I've tried very hard. But overtime we get into an argument, i will for sure remember everything that you have done and everything you are still doing now. It doesn't matter now much you think you showed that you cared. Trust is something that you earn anyways. You have wasted my chances too many times. That now i still hate you all over again. Since i was 8, since the day you left, I have changed. Until i met cameron I thought i could have gotten over the insecurities that I have gained when you left, when you lied, when you walked out on me. But no, every time i try to believe i fail. and every time you fail me.
Some wounds can never be healed, some mistakes can never be meant. that is why the past still haunts the present. Since the day you left i have stopped trusting you or the world and that is not gonna ever change from today onwards. I have hated you all my life. And I won't tell you till the day you die in bed.
Monday, December 7, 2009
Friday, November 20, 2009
Sometime on a 2009 summer plane..
940 am, vancouver time
i was looking out the plane window, amazed to find a pastel coloured rainbow painted across the sky by the early morning sun, listening to some sweet chinese songs randomly picked by my ipod. that instant, i felt this sudden surge of yearning for cammy again.. never did i know that missing someone could be such a bitter sweet experience. and i want to record all these tiny emotions that im feeling through the day, into a little online diary, just for keepsake.
I have no idea why i can never write sweet honey-worded emails to cammy like how i often did for the past boyfriends. i never knew where to start, or put my emotions into words. it almost feel like im back to a young girl again, innocent and longing to learn more about how a relationship works. gradually realised that being through numerous relationships doesn't make me a relationship expert. but of course, according to anna, each and every relationship is different, that's why we have to put in our best for each and every one of them. but, secretly, i still choose to believe that this one is simply different.
Ever since the day daddy turned his back on me when i was very young, i lost trust in guys. allowing them to do whatever. flirting is just another nature of guys isn't it? pretending that i don't care, allowing them to hurt me however. like a vicious cycle, i retreated further and further into my little closed world of emotions. cutting lose from them is the most convenient way of not getting hurt too badly ever, isn't it? from time to time, allowing myself to fall for jerks that don't give a damn, that just became another part of the "evidence" that i gathered about how guys are born jerks. reconfirming my theory of "99 percent of the guys in the whole world are jerks, the remaining one percent are gay". but ever since cammy slowly, unknowingly creeped into my world, he turned my theory up side down. and maybe, i just refused to believe it. i know, if he ever hurt me, it'll be over. choosing not to believe all his promises, hurting him, i thought it would be a way of escaping from this one person who doesn't fit into my logic. but now, i just can't hurt him anymore.
now thinking back, even i don't know when i begin slowly falling for him. somehow, it feels like it had been a long but i just kept denying it..but now, i won't mind spending every single day for the rest of my life with him. there wil be challenges, we will fight one day; but as long as we stay true to each other, we will be able to over come all obstacles, won't we? that is wha he believes in, and now, im starting to believe in that too..
------
sometimes, i feel like a little fool, cuz i start planning out everything in the future, like he will be the man i'll marry. well i don't think i'll ever mind that. but 19 sounds still soo sooo early for marriage doesn't it? oh cammy... i do sometimes wonder what kind of magical powers you have, or did you love-potioned me ever.
------
charlotte
i was looking out the plane window, amazed to find a pastel coloured rainbow painted across the sky by the early morning sun, listening to some sweet chinese songs randomly picked by my ipod. that instant, i felt this sudden surge of yearning for cammy again.. never did i know that missing someone could be such a bitter sweet experience. and i want to record all these tiny emotions that im feeling through the day, into a little online diary, just for keepsake.
I have no idea why i can never write sweet honey-worded emails to cammy like how i often did for the past boyfriends. i never knew where to start, or put my emotions into words. it almost feel like im back to a young girl again, innocent and longing to learn more about how a relationship works. gradually realised that being through numerous relationships doesn't make me a relationship expert. but of course, according to anna, each and every relationship is different, that's why we have to put in our best for each and every one of them. but, secretly, i still choose to believe that this one is simply different.
Ever since the day daddy turned his back on me when i was very young, i lost trust in guys. allowing them to do whatever. flirting is just another nature of guys isn't it? pretending that i don't care, allowing them to hurt me however. like a vicious cycle, i retreated further and further into my little closed world of emotions. cutting lose from them is the most convenient way of not getting hurt too badly ever, isn't it? from time to time, allowing myself to fall for jerks that don't give a damn, that just became another part of the "evidence" that i gathered about how guys are born jerks. reconfirming my theory of "99 percent of the guys in the whole world are jerks, the remaining one percent are gay". but ever since cammy slowly, unknowingly creeped into my world, he turned my theory up side down. and maybe, i just refused to believe it. i know, if he ever hurt me, it'll be over. choosing not to believe all his promises, hurting him, i thought it would be a way of escaping from this one person who doesn't fit into my logic. but now, i just can't hurt him anymore.
now thinking back, even i don't know when i begin slowly falling for him. somehow, it feels like it had been a long but i just kept denying it..but now, i won't mind spending every single day for the rest of my life with him. there wil be challenges, we will fight one day; but as long as we stay true to each other, we will be able to over come all obstacles, won't we? that is wha he believes in, and now, im starting to believe in that too..
------
sometimes, i feel like a little fool, cuz i start planning out everything in the future, like he will be the man i'll marry. well i don't think i'll ever mind that. but 19 sounds still soo sooo early for marriage doesn't it? oh cammy... i do sometimes wonder what kind of magical powers you have, or did you love-potioned me ever.
------
charlotte
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