终于还是说再见了。心中希望是再也不见。

很庆幸自己掩饰的很好。对着你，我没哭，也没笑。

今天你病了。我差点差点又忘了，对你因该漠不关心的。你已经有关心的人，不需要我的。爱，一个人就够了。

其实想得很清楚，我要的你没可能给。对于她，我也不再嫉妒。因为我很清楚，很理智。我要的你也给不了她。所以你走吧，让我也走吧。我会往反方向离去。所以请你不要再找我，不要想我，不要关心我。现在的我方向很清楚。只需要往前走。不要叫我，我会迷失方向的。终于把眼泪差干净了，终于看清方向了，不想迷路。

亲爱的你，

不知从何开始，失去了理智。爸爸曾对我说过，要让理智充满生活，让感性添加色彩，只有这样才能持久快乐。遇上他的那天，就开始慢慢失去了生活的方向。一个笑，一个背影就能让我感觉小鹿乱撞。虽然那时只仅仅是单恋而已。那时想，也好，反正暗恋而已，找回初恋的感觉也不错，反正他又不会知道，也不会做出任何回应。可我又错了。当那天他开始对我有所回应，我就乱了。那晚的吻，让我一再回味。接着每一次的触动，都在身心里烙下了深深的印记。那晚，他轻吻着我，温柔的说了一句我爱你，我坠落了。像天使被折去了翅膀，一夜间从天堂重重的跌入了无尽深渊。如果他是魔鬼，那就让那地狱的烈火燃烧吧！让滚烫的热情，吻遍身体，由炙热的情感，吞噬我的灵魂。就这样，慢慢的我已失去了逃离的力量。

如今我冷冷的看着他的背影，心中隐隐发痛。他扰乱我的生活后悄然离去。我却仍困在那团渐渐转凉的地狱之火中。爱火仍然侵蚀我，但感受到的不再是当初的温热，而是孤独的冰冷。我颤抖，试着逃离，但出口在哪里？视线已被泪水模糊。我看不清楚。

－－－

A今天来了，带来了玫瑰。12朵红色的玫瑰。很贴心，很温柔，让我感动。他一次次让我哭泣，A却一次次把我拯救回来。我该爱谁，我是明白的。做得到么？仍在尝试。

枫

天使，

名字能够决定一个人的命运吗？ 我总在猜想，为什么我的名字是晓枫？仅仅因为我出生在秋天？
------
今天我漫步在UBC校园内，路边有好几棵枫树。叶子几乎全被秋风刮得红彤彤的。在太阳的照耀下显得格外鲜亮。那应该是枫叶之所以美的原因吧？11月的红叶，璀璨而短暂。可是他毕竟在掉落之前美丽过，绚烂过。但就像烟花一样，在漫长的岁月中不过是过眼烟云烟罢了。

有时觉得这枫叶代表的含义，与我追求的生活有几番相似。我喜欢偶尔的轰轰烈烈，为生活添加色彩。可能是电视剧看太多了，我又比较情绪化，所以常追求不一样的恋爱体验。所以短短4年大学生涯里，情人总连连不断。桐说：你是命犯桃花！有时我真怀疑，到底是我命中犯的是桃花运还是桃花劫？看他们来了去，新的又来。眼泪流的不少，可对爱情的观念也差不多麻木了。女孩们渴望的激情浪漫，也不过如此。

可枫树一生又能绚烂几回呢？此时想起初中时追我的男孩写的一句诗：谁知枫叶为谁红？是为了我？还是生命中的过路客。让他们留恋片刻，再目送他们上路，前往生命旅途中的下一站。你，知道吗？

枫

不知道为什么，每一次回到这里，心情都会变得平静一点，伤感一些。平静，可能源于这里是家。在家里总会有种安全感。伤感，为什么呢？ 空气中有种熟息的味道，参杂这对往事的种种留恋，从中四到去年，爱情、友情、亲情、所有所有。可是我到底在留恋什么？唯一可谈话的是joe可偏偏他又不在。对于jed的离开，我想我是不后悔的。一个令我不想做自己，害怕做自己的人，我无法与他一起走完我余留的人生。往后还有50年，人生到底是短暂还是漫长呢？

是的，我是任性的。我也是记仇的。
总会吧感情里的点点滴滴用心地记起，在深深地在自己身上画上一道。让一颗原本因你而完整的心变得丑陋，难堪。我暂时会用笑容带过，假装忘记。然后让这些伤痕漫漫累积，最后狠心地离开你。留下伤痕，送给你。那是最好的离别的礼物。
你看，我们有那么多悔恨、不快，你忘了我吧。
我的脸上戴上淡淡的笑容，渐渐走出你的生命。
那时的你会想：是我伤害了你。但你的心灵依然美丽。
那时的我会回：谢谢你，接受了我丑陋的伤疤。你让我在此美丽，我你却因我变得丑陋。

你是我最爱的娃娃

你是谁？我又是你的什么？有时觉得答案很简单，我们只是彼此的娃娃，可爱的娃娃罢了。
像小孩一样，曾拥有过的娃娃。因为当我快乐时，有你陪着我玩，难过时，有你陪着我哭，灵魂有了寄托，不孤单了而认定了你是我的另一半。真的吗？有这么一个另一半吗？还是孤独的人边的一个谎言，美丽的故事，告诉自己会有那么一天，我会真正的快乐。就像回到儿时，买回家的新娃娃给自己带来的满足，幸福。你就是我的另一半，你是我的洋娃娃。

窗外在飘着雪，是满天飞舞的，华丽的，给这个有人的季节又在增添了丝丝凉意。房里是温热的。7个女孩，和5个19岁的男孩共处了3日。男孩们有活力，还带着一点偏幼稚。那份天不怕，地不怕，明天一切会更好的心理，虽有些恼人，但细想后还是蛮可爱的。我想：几年前的我是否也是如此。而现在呢？那份勇气，那份天真，稚气又跑去了哪里？和他们打着雪战，我怀念16岁的我。讨回了在我心中还余留着的一丝童真。那时的笑我想是发自内心是快乐的。
-----
我害怕老去，比谁都怕。18岁那年就觉得我的一生已过了一半。不知为何我从没相信过会有人陪我走完一生。常抱着爱情不放，可又固执的把爱推开因为害怕失去，所以从不敢拥有。我就是那么的懦弱。
女人最灿烂，最动人，最光鲜的年龄不过在16－25 岁之间。而22岁的我早已快用尽，挥霍玩了我的年轻，美丽。剩下的年月女人只能无奈的看着自己一天一天衰老，枯萎。那是再有权威，智慧的女人也无法避免的命运。我害怕。我害怕在这些岁月里我需要一个人走。我想相信嘉说的话。但我更害怕失去本已拥有的。我无奈，我挣扎，我迷茫。

Angel,

这次的离开让我清楚发现，我不想去巴黎，不是怕也不是烦。只是因为我爱 Joe。不想管是对的错的，不想管未来是否会辛苦，我只想与他地老天荒，白头到老。

枫

J,

Your words are like poison. Sweet as nectar, sharp as knife. Seeping through my veins, piercing through my heart. I'm shivering in pain. Muted by love. I dare not make a sound. I cry. Then conceal it with a smile. Did you know.. Did you know?

The pain that I'm hiding. Just to see you smile.

C

Dear Angel,

Things I've learnt about people in general. When you care too much, you will never get to the top of their list. In a way, maybe I should just care less. Just love myself. No matter what happens, love myself the most. So even if one day no one loves me in the world, I will still have myself. Is that being too selfish?
------
Keep getting into arguments with mother this time I came back, I don't know why either. But every time kicks up an argument, just makes me want to run away more. The more she wants me attention, the more she gets jealous, the more I turn away from her. There is nothing I want to say to her. There is nothing that interest both of us. That's why I choose to say nothing. There is nothing going on in my life, what's there to share? Why do I talk to my friends more? Simply cuz they have things to tell me! Why do I talk to Jasmine all the time? Cuz shw updates me with her daily share of scandals and stories. Hence I listen. What does my mum share? How annoying my aunt and uncle is? I listen too. I comment. But what else is new? Nothing. Why have I not told her anything about my life yet? Because she judges, she gets jealous. That's why I have not told her anything about Joe yet. I want to.. I really do. Many times, it's slipping out, but somehow I managed to hold it back. Because I don't want her to worry. Hence there is nothing left to say.

I don't know who's fault it is that our relationship ended up in this way. Maybe both parties we have fault. And both of us too stubborn to admit at wrong. Maybe I never gave her enough securities, but in a way, I don't know how to. I thought I have already been doing my best but she is always asking for more. How am I to give in all the time. I know that she has done a lot for me, and I do truly appreciate it but still, there is nothing I can do or want to do about it. Cuz any further step I take, I'm losing.

Balance in life, I've been trying to maintain. But when you meet someone so possessive, how do I learn to love and accept? Will it come to one day that I will give up myself to be who she wants me to be? No. I love myself too much for that..

Love,
Charlotte

Dear Angel

Why do I dread coming back to Singapore? You wonder why I dread coming back to Singapore.
Simple, two Chinese word, 好烦!
Just all the naggings, and more nagging.. How old am I? I wonder too. Is a 22 year old too young to realise what time it is to come home? Is keeping her accompanied MOST of the nights still not good enough for her? Is wearing new things wrong? Is shopping my fault when SHE is clearly the one who wants to buy stuff for me? I don't even feel like shopping honestly, there is jsut simply NOTHING I can do here nevertheless. So ok, now, no hanging out with friends. Should I just stay at home and rot? Yea, then maybe I shouldn't even come back, I might as well stay in Vancouver and rot. Isn't that the same thing? At least I snack whenever I want, go out whenever I want, wear new thing whenever I want, without any permissions.
Yes I shouldn't be mad. Then what?

Dear Angel,

It's June 10th again..

Sending him a facebook message on his birthday is like a habit that I have formed. Knowing that he will never reply.. I don't know.. his disappearance from my life, it was quiet. Even though there was a dramatic argument, his made his exit so quietly, I don't know how to explain.. It's like, he left, but I never missed him. Just like he was there making a difference in my life, and I never felt it before either. For he is the reason why I buy every guy I like Paul Smith. He is the reason why I want to see Tag Heuer on my future husband. He is reason why I fell in love with men who can sing. He is the reason why I stopped modelling. He is the reason why Wheverever you will go is my favourite song. He is the reason for who I am today.

He rescued me from misery, bad memories, but in return, I gave him mine. Have I ever loved him? I don't know.. I never thought I did at least. I never thought that love, he was just always there. Always so secretly, so quietly.. So quiet that when he left, I took no notice at all either. But I wish him happiness, even willing to give him mine. He is the shadow I search for in every man.

Josh,
I don't think we'd ever talk again. Maybe you never knew, you're the man who has made the greatest impact on my life. Your words are the only ones that kept ringing in my ears, every day, every minute. I wish you happy.

Love,
Charl

Angel,

Sometimes, I just feel like pick up my phone and text him: "I miss you", as if I'm already his girlfriend or something.
Isn't it strange? With K, it was all physical/physiological effect. Everything happened so quick. moved on. But with J, despite that initial physical attraction, it is a lot more emotional attachment. A lot more trying to understand each other, trying to grow together. It's a good thing, isn't it? I just hope that all remains the same when I come back from Singapore.

So far so good.. One more week to a month.. I can sense it getting hard tho.. Initially everything was just sweet and nice. Well even now, I still get all smiley whenever I get to skype him or whenever I receive an email from him. My heart still flutters at the sight of his define cheek/collar bones. But I start missing him more, long for his voice, his presence in my life. I wonder how long I will be able to hide that... Need to concentrate on something meanwhile, in between all the waiting, I guess.. Study study study Charlotte!
------
你的声音，像在窗外回荡的春风
挑逗着我对你刚刚萌芽的爱意
心跳像风铃般叮叮当当被你拨动着
轻哼一首甜甜的的情歌
好想好想让春天的风，带上我对你的情意
在你耳边送上一句：刘长鑫，我喜欢你⋯⋯

Love,
Charlotte

Angel,

Maybe I thought I was ready for something else, maybe for those instantaneous moments that I spent with J, I thought I've moved on, I've forgotten, I've given back my love. Maybe I made a mistake going through past pictures, clicking on Tif's convocation picture..
But the sight of his face, still trigger memories, regrets, longing from the past. How stupid of me, psyching myself out again. Giving others, giving myself false hopes. But how should I stop? How can I stop?
------
天蝎座，当爱上一个人时，要不然是半年，要不是半辈子。
那个他，早已远去，带着我的爱，我的回忆
我们已走到了一个无法回头的未来，可那满满的爱该怎么释怀？
我向上帝祈祷，希望这个雨季可以带走、从淡两年前在春天萌芽的爱。
两年，原来我已爱上他两年了⋯⋯
天使，但我是否该庆幸？
他虽带走了我的爱与回忆
但至少，最至少我的快乐，笑容依然，永远会是我的⋯ :)

Dear Angel,
I don't want to know what's the "but"; I don't want to know his flaws. I just want to plunge in, dive into whatever he has to offer, savour every bit of it. At least for this moment. Let me be rash, let my mind go crazy, soul go wild again. Even if it means to get my heart broken again into a thousand million pieces. I am no longer fearing... So be it.
This passion in me, let it burn...

Love,
Charl

Dear Angel,

So, here I am listening to the only recording I have of his voice. Was talking to liyan,
"It's only been a week!" she says, "Ok, fine, 2.. You're not gonna last 4 months.."
I wonder too...
"So just do whatever makes you happy!"
I guess...
What do you think angel? 4 months sure is a long time.. But I haven't felt like spoiling anyone for so long. It's like the only thing that I look forward to each day is his email. That anticipation actually wakes me up, keeps me from going back to bed. Hmm, something that gets me out of my bed, that sure makes a difference doesn't it?
Edwin says we're all gooey.. Is that a bad thing? I don't think we are.. Was I ever like this before? I thought I was always the cool one..
------
Took me so much to type out "I miss you".. Drained me of all my strength that night, it's like me finally admitting to liking him, telling him. That makes me feel vulnerable and exposed. I don't like being exposed. I like keeping things to myself, with only me knowing what I'm feeling. Besides Edwin, didn't dare to let anyone else know how I feel. Seems a lil too fast again. What are you up to again Charlotte dear? Haven't you learn well from your last mistake??
Practicing cooking, buying chocolates, writing cards.. What else?
------
I crave for his smile which drifted miles away
miss his warmth from what seems like yesterday
So near, yet so far..
In this rainy May,
I pray, for
My love won't fade away.

Love,
Charl

天使，

没有谈过恋爱的男生都是白痴吗? :( 怎么都不懂女生的心理啊～

明知道我会想和他说话，连等十分钟也不行⋯⋯白痴白痴白痴白痴！！

--------

Angel, tell me, how long has it been since I last felt this way about anyone? All these little secrets that I keep in my diary, that I’m afraid of letting anyone know. How many entries have I been writing ever since meeting him? How many hours in a day do I spend NOT thinking about him? I have indeed gone mad, just like Alice in Wonderland :( And will he be able to deal with this madness? I’m unsure and afraid. More than anything.. He needs his space, time to work, for his friends, his rest, his food, his family… Maybe if I’m lucky, I’ll come in 7^th place for now?

When was the last time I’ve been following another’s foot-step, making sure to be one step behind, just like a little girl, following someone else’s foot step. So she won’t be regarded as annoying, spoilt.

Angel, there’s so much I wanted to ask him today.. How his day was, tiring? Where will he be going to, what time’s the drive tomorrow, wish him good luck. Most importantly, I was just hoping to catch a glimpse of his face, a trace of his voice and I’ll be satisfied. Been on his facebook countless times, maybe even able to recited the first 10 pictures of his tagged pictures made available for me. Stalkerish to the point of scariness yes I know, so promise me, this will be a secret between you and I? Shh…

------

What are changes gonna be in these 4 months? I am more scared than ever. Never in my life I’ve been so afraid. Usually, am I not the one to embrace changes? He asks me, what do I think about these 4 months, I replied, I don’t know. The truth is, I am scared to let him know how much I want everything to remain the same, at least between us. I dare not let him find out just how insecure I feel right now. And I am afraid that one day these insecurities will take over again, and my logic will step in, before he has any chance to comfort me, and I will leave.

In this love battle, I have already lost. Maybe he already knows how much I’ve fallen @@

may13th 1717,

I can’t believe I cried, I actually cried when he came back online at close to 1. What were the tears for? I don’t know. But I remember feeling surprised, extremely happy, touched, couldn’t believe my eyes.. More of glad cuz he remembered me :) A little touched I guess… Angel, have I fallen already? It feels like I’m sinking in this pool of honey whenever I think of him… I’m dead, aren’t I? :(

-----

Take me to paradise :)

Angel,
548 in the morning, found myself on paul smith's website looking for gifts for every occasion. Scarf, then wallet, what next? Jotting everything down in my tiny brain, and hopefully, they will be put to use :)
Singing exchanges, late night beach talks, bedtime stories, what will be up next? I don't know, but excited to find out :) it's all those simple things in life, but somehow, I've never got to do in the past. does this list him as being different?
I thought, after all these dating experiences, maybe everything will just turn out the same, going through the same couple routines, movies, dinners, phone talks.. Everything that's to be done, I've been through done that. Until he came along and flipped my world over again. In a good way of course.
How long will this last, I don't know. First time after Cameron, I want to put my heart out there, to someone who has the ability to crush it. Am I afraid? Yes, definitely. But I am also willing to take this risk. Excitement rushes through me.
------
Come take me away, to a faraway planet.

Love, Charl

Angel,

Feverish day. And I find myself thinking about him the whole day.. Driving, sleeping.. His voice on skype seemed like the most comforting sound on Earth right now. How long do you think this feeling will last this time?
4 months' a long time he says, will anything change? I don't know, genuinely. But I hope nothing will change.
Had this talk with Jasmine yesterday, it seems like I've always been looking for people's shadows in others. Josh's, Cameron's.. And whenever similarities emerges, I form a romantic feeling towards that person. This time, it's kinda different. He forms a category on his own. But again, don't I say that every time?
Angel, do you think I'm ready yet? I don't know.. Maybe if we last through these 4 months, I will be..
------
Your voice is a lullaby to me, puts me into the sweetest dreams :)

J,

2nd night in Vegas, didn't feel like going clubbing.. What happened? I thought I was so ready to party hard in Vegas with the girls. I know no one will judge, I thought I will turn back to who I was in first year, just for a night. But instead, while all of them are out drinking, I'm sitting here in the bed, listening to the song you sang me on the night before you left for Nashville. My heart skipped a beat every time I see a new email coming in. Maybe it's time to give in to my logic again, at least until school starts. Over the years, I learnt that for a relationship to work, the most important thing is not the right person, but the right timing. Sounds sad doesn't it?
Do you believe in fate? Maybe meeting you was a beautiful mistake, knowing that there is someone in this world who actually matched up to all the things I'm looking for in a guy. Maybe that is enough for me, and it will be time for me to get back to reality soon again. You know, I suddenly had this thought, imagining myself as Cinderella, and every time the time strucks 12, everything will turn back to how it is originally meant to be. And I don't know why, but since young, I know that I am meant to be alone. Strived for 21 years in my life to get use to loneliness, still not coping very well, but I guess one day, one I will actually accept that fact.
------------
如果每次想你的瞬间犹如流星划过天际，
那你的身影在我脑海中早已勾画成一场美丽的流星雨⋯⋯
------------
如果爱情是一颗火种，
那这次的我愿意燃烧自己，
不再保留，不再害怕，
我想，真的好想，把自己的爱情火种点燃
让它疯狂的燃烧着，
而在那瞬间为你上演一场烟火晚会，
让爱情在萨那间点燃，奔放。
然后在你观赏完毕后消失，
因为那样，在你回忆中的我是完美无暇。