Babe,

you kept asking me if i still love you, but i don't know.. I really don't know. What is love? I don't know anymore.. What did we lose along our way, I don't know either. The only thing I am clear of is that I love you as a person, I love spending time with you, and yes, I do think that you deserve a lot better than what I can give. And you've once said that I can try hard to be the person who can give you that much, but babe, it is really tiring.. I tried, I tried hard enough that when I look back at the me from a year ago, I won't be able to recognize who that is anymore. Everything that I thought I was, I want, it's not what I am looking for anymore.
I guess, I was just hoping for a fresh start. I want you to recognize me for who I am right now, and not for my past self. Forget that girl and give us a new chance; maybe that is what I really am looking for in a break. To not confuse who I am with who I try to be when I'm with you. Am I making any sense?
The time that I went out with you, the time when you first knew you, I'm at my weakest. And I don't like myself being that way, that is not how I want to grow into. I never want to be dependent though I ended up being that way. I just want another chance to prove that wrong. And I thought, maybe without you or anyone being there for me will be a lot easier, so that I won't have a person to fall back on when I'm weak. I want to walk that road on my own, and know that I can do it.I was hoping that by the end of all these, you can see me as a independent, mature woman rather than an immature, promiscuous girl.
But I guess we can try again in Vancouver, with me trying to grow into someone I want to be, with a little more distance. I still really want to be with you babe, I just hope that you still have the confidence in me no matter which path we choose to go on.

Love,
Charl

First day without you; 22.08.10

Babe,
I didn't call you today.. Even when i feel lonelier than ever, but it feels like I am suppose to get used to it, it feels like I am suppose to be alone, so I should get used to it..
I wonder about days to come, days in Vancouver without you around. No doubt it will be hard, but I really hope that I can pull through. I really hope that I can figure out what I want very very soon. My mind is in a state of confusion. I wonder about past lives, maybe I have been reading too much. I think about my dreams. I think about the dream with that guy in black beside me, the one which I was on a hospital bed, and something tells me that I have just given birth. The warm fuzzy feeling.. Everything feels so distant now.. The dream has become fuzzier, some times I wonder, have I really dream about this or was I only imagining. I can't be sure.
I spent my whole day waking and walking in a whirlpool. I have never been so lost in my life. It felt like the drama triggered something in me, but I am not sure what. I remember, no matter how upset I am in life, I know that I will move on, I will be happier, I will forgive and forget. But today I am confused. What am I supposed to be moving on from? What is bothering me? Why am I feeling so confused for no reason? What was awaken in me? All these questions need an answer, but I can't seem to find any..
I saw fireworks today. They were so close to me, so bright, so beautiful. It feels like I can reach out and touch them with my bare hands. I want to be like those fireworks, to burst into light, even for short the split second. To be sure of my own worth. I want to take control of my life, steer it the way I want to go. To control my soul with my determination, and not let desires overrule logic.
At the same time, I want to go back to you, to lie in your arms and pretend that none of the above happened. To feel loved and secure, to not fear about a single thing in this world. I want to go back to last summer, where I was so broken and torn so you can fix me up over again. But then again, I knew that will be unfair to you, to go back to you over and over again when I need rest; but exclude you from all excursions that I want to take on.
I need to decide: to be a weak little girl depending on you; or to be a strong woman standing on my own. It finally came to a point where I have to decide, and not revert back to the decision again.
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P.s. I still love you..

Charl