Unsent letters

2012-01-07T16:30:00.000-08:00

窗外在飘着雪，是满天飞舞的，华丽的，给这个有人的季节又在增添了丝丝凉意。房里是温热的。7个女孩，和5个19岁的男孩共处了3日。男孩们有活力，还带着一点偏幼稚。那份天不怕，地不怕，明天一切会更好的心理，虽有些恼人，但细想后还是蛮可爱的。我想：几年前的我是否也是如此。而现在呢？那份勇气，那份天真，稚气又跑去了哪里？和他们打着雪战，我怀念16岁的我。讨回了在我心中还余留着的一丝童真。那时的笑我想是发自内心是快乐的。
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我害怕老去，比谁都怕。18岁那年就觉得我的一生已过了一半。不知为何我从没相信过会有人陪我走完一生。常抱着爱情不放，可又固执的把爱推开因为害怕失去，所以从不敢拥有。我就是那么的懦弱。
女人最灿烂，最动人，最光鲜的年龄不过在16－25 岁之间。而22岁的我早已快用尽，挥霍玩了我的年轻，美丽。剩下的年月女人只能无奈的看着自己一天一天衰老，枯萎。那是再有权威，智慧的女人也无法避免的命运。我害怕。我害怕在这些岁月里我需要一个人走。我想相信嘉说的话。但我更害怕失去本已拥有的。我无奈，我挣扎，我迷茫。

2011-12-18T04:44:00.000-08:00

Angel,

这次的离开让我清楚发现，我不想去巴黎，不是怕也不是烦。只是因为我爱 Joe。不想管是对的错的，不想管未来是否会辛苦，我只想与他地老天荒，白头到老。

枫

2011-10-12T02:59:00.000-07:00

Your words are like poison. Sweet as nectar, sharp as knife. Seeping through my veins, piercing through my heart. I'm shivering in pain. Muted by love. I dare not make a sound. I cry. Then conceal it with a smile. Did you know.. Did you know?

The pain that I'm hiding. Just to see you smile.

2011-07-17T00:33:00.000-07:00

Dear Angel,

Things I've learnt about people in general. When you care too much, you will never get to the top of their list. In a way, maybe I should just care less. Just love myself. No matter what happens, love myself the most. So even if one day no one loves me in the world, I will still have myself. Is that being too selfish?
------
Keep getting into arguments with mother this time I came back, I don't know why either. But every time kicks up an argument, just makes me want to run away more. The more she wants me attention, the more she gets jealous, the more I turn away from her. There is nothing I want to say to her. There is nothing that interest both of us. That's why I choose to say nothing. There is nothing going on in my life, what's there to share? Why do I talk to my friends more? Simply cuz they have things to tell me! Why do I talk to Jasmine all the time? Cuz shw updates me with her daily share of scandals and stories. Hence I listen. What does my mum share? How annoying my aunt and uncle is? I listen too. I comment. But what else is new? Nothing. Why have I not told her anything about my life yet? Because she judges, she gets jealous. That's why I have not told her anything about Joe yet. I want to.. I really do. Many times, it's slipping out, but somehow I managed to hold it back. Because I don't want her to worry. Hence there is nothing left to say.

I don't know who's fault it is that our relationship ended up in this way. Maybe both parties we have fault. And both of us too stubborn to admit at wrong. Maybe I never gave her enough securities, but in a way, I don't know how to. I thought I have already been doing my best but she is always asking for more. How am I to give in all the time. I know that she has done a lot for me, and I do truly appreciate it but still, there is nothing I can do or want to do about it. Cuz any further step I take, I'm losing.

Balance in life, I've been trying to maintain. But when you meet someone so possessive, how do I learn to love and accept? Will it come to one day that I will give up myself to be who she wants me to be? No. I love myself too much for that..

Love,
Charlotte

2011-07-05T08:53:00.000-07:00

Dear Angel

Why do I dread coming back to Singapore? You wonder why I dread coming back to Singapore.
Simple, two Chinese word, 好烦!
Just all the naggings, and more nagging.. How old am I? I wonder too. Is a 22 year old too young to realise what time it is to come home? Is keeping her accompanied MOST of the nights still not good enough for her? Is wearing new things wrong? Is shopping my fault when SHE is clearly the one who wants to buy stuff for me? I don't even feel like shopping honestly, there is jsut simply NOTHING I can do here nevertheless. So ok, now, no hanging out with friends. Should I just stay at home and rot? Yea, then maybe I shouldn't even come back, I might as well stay in Vancouver and rot. Isn't that the same thing? At least I snack whenever I want, go out whenever I want, wear new thing whenever I want, without any permissions.
Yes I shouldn't be mad. Then what?

2011-06-10T03:03:00.000-07:00

Dear Angel,

It's June 10th again..

Sending him a facebook message on his birthday is like a habit that I have formed. Knowing that he will never reply.. I don't know.. his disappearance from my life, it was quiet. Even though there was a dramatic argument, his made his exit so quietly, I don't know how to explain.. It's like, he left, but I never missed him. Just like he was there making a difference in my life, and I never felt it before either. For he is the reason why I buy every guy I like Paul Smith. He is the reason why I want to see Tag Heuer on my future husband. He is reason why I fell in love with men who can sing. He is the reason why I stopped modelling. He is the reason why Wheverever you will go is my favourite song. He is the reason for who I am today.

He rescued me from misery, bad memories, but in return, I gave him mine. Have I ever loved him? I don't know.. I never thought I did at least. I never thought that love, he was just always there. Always so secretly, so quietly.. So quiet that when he left, I took no notice at all either. But I wish him happiness, even willing to give him mine. He is the shadow I search for in every man.

Josh,
I don't think we'd ever talk again. Maybe you never knew, you're the man who has made the greatest impact on my life. Your words are the only ones that kept ringing in my ears, every day, every minute. I wish you happy.

Love,
Charl

2011-05-30T19:27:00.000-07:00

Angel,

Sometimes, I just feel like pick up my phone and text him: "I miss you", as if I'm already his girlfriend or something.
Isn't it strange? With K, it was all physical/physiological effect. Everything happened so quick. moved on. But with J, despite that initial physical attraction, it is a lot more emotional attachment. A lot more trying to understand each other, trying to grow together. It's a good thing, isn't it? I just hope that all remains the same when I come back from Singapore.

So far so good.. One more week to a month.. I can sense it getting hard tho.. Initially everything was just sweet and nice. Well even now, I still get all smiley whenever I get to skype him or whenever I receive an email from him. My heart still flutters at the sight of his define cheek/collar bones. But I start missing him more, long for his voice, his presence in my life. I wonder how long I will be able to hide that... Need to concentrate on something meanwhile, in between all the waiting, I guess.. Study study study Charlotte!
------
你的声音，像在窗外回荡的春风
挑逗着我对你刚刚萌芽的爱意
心跳像风铃般叮叮当当被你拨动着
轻哼一首甜甜的的情歌
好想好想让春天的风，带上我对你的情意
在你耳边送上一句：刘长鑫，我喜欢你⋯⋯

Love,
Charlotte

2011-05-26T15:23:00.000-07:00

Angel,

Maybe I thought I was ready for something else, maybe for those instantaneous moments that I spent with J, I thought I've moved on, I've forgotten, I've given back my love. Maybe I made a mistake going through past pictures, clicking on Tif's convocation picture..
But the sight of his face, still trigger memories, regrets, longing from the past. How stupid of me, psyching myself out again. Giving others, giving myself false hopes. But how should I stop? How can I stop?
------
天蝎座，当爱上一个人时，要不然是半年，要不是半辈子。
那个他，早已远去，带着我的爱，我的回忆
我们已走到了一个无法回头的未来，可那满满的爱该怎么释怀？
我向上帝祈祷，希望这个雨季可以带走、从淡两年前在春天萌芽的爱。
两年，原来我已爱上他两年了⋯⋯
天使，但我是否该庆幸？
他虽带走了我的爱与回忆
但至少，最至少我的快乐，笑容依然，永远会是我的⋯ :)

2011-05-20T00:30:00.000-07:00

Dear Angel,
I don't want to know what's the "but"; I don't want to know his flaws. I just want to plunge in, dive into whatever he has to offer, savour every bit of it. At least for this moment. Let me be rash, let my mind go crazy, soul go wild again. Even if it means to get my heart broken again into a thousand million pieces. I am no longer fearing... So be it.
This passion in me, let it burn...

Love,
Charl

2011-05-19T00:57:00.000-07:00

Dear Angel,

So, here I am listening to the only recording I have of his voice. Was talking to liyan,
"It's only been a week!" she says, "Ok, fine, 2.. You're not gonna last 4 months.."
I wonder too...
"So just do whatever makes you happy!"
I guess...
What do you think angel? 4 months sure is a long time.. But I haven't felt like spoiling anyone for so long. It's like the only thing that I look forward to each day is his email. That anticipation actually wakes me up, keeps me from going back to bed. Hmm, something that gets me out of my bed, that sure makes a difference doesn't it?
Edwin says we're all gooey.. Is that a bad thing? I don't think we are.. Was I ever like this before? I thought I was always the cool one..
------
Took me so much to type out "I miss you".. Drained me of all my strength that night, it's like me finally admitting to liking him, telling him. That makes me feel vulnerable and exposed. I don't like being exposed. I like keeping things to myself, with only me knowing what I'm feeling. Besides Edwin, didn't dare to let anyone else know how I feel. Seems a lil too fast again. What are you up to again Charlotte dear? Haven't you learn well from your last mistake??
Practicing cooking, buying chocolates, writing cards.. What else?
------
I crave for his smile which drifted miles away
miss his warmth from what seems like yesterday
So near, yet so far..
In this rainy May,
I pray, for
My love won't fade away.

Love,
Charl

2011-05-13T17:25:00.001-07:00

天使，

没有谈过恋爱的男生都是白痴吗? :( 怎么都不懂女生的心理啊～

明知道我会想和他说话，连等十分钟也不行⋯⋯白痴白痴白痴白痴！！

--------

Angel, tell me, how long has it been since I last felt this way about anyone? All these little secrets that I keep in my diary, that I’m afraid of letting anyone know. How many entries have I been writing ever since meeting him? How many hours in a day do I spend NOT thinking about him? I have indeed gone mad, just like Alice in Wonderland :( And will he be able to deal with this madness? I’m unsure and afraid. More than anything.. He needs his space, time to work, for his friends, his rest, his food, his family… Maybe if I’m lucky, I’ll come in 7^th place for now?

When was the last time I’ve been following another’s foot-step, making sure to be one step behind, just like a little girl, following someone else’s foot step. So she won’t be regarded as annoying, spoilt.

Angel, there’s so much I wanted to ask him today.. How his day was, tiring? Where will he be going to, what time’s the drive tomorrow, wish him good luck. Most importantly, I was just hoping to catch a glimpse of his face, a trace of his voice and I’ll be satisfied. Been on his facebook countless times, maybe even able to recited the first 10 pictures of his tagged pictures made available for me. Stalkerish to the point of scariness yes I know, so promise me, this will be a secret between you and I? Shh…

------

What are changes gonna be in these 4 months? I am more scared than ever. Never in my life I’ve been so afraid. Usually, am I not the one to embrace changes? He asks me, what do I think about these 4 months, I replied, I don’t know. The truth is, I am scared to let him know how much I want everything to remain the same, at least between us. I dare not let him find out just how insecure I feel right now. And I am afraid that one day these insecurities will take over again, and my logic will step in, before he has any chance to comfort me, and I will leave.

In this love battle, I have already lost. Maybe he already knows how much I’ve fallen @@

may13th 1717,

I can’t believe I cried, I actually cried when he came back online at close to 1. What were the tears for? I don’t know. But I remember feeling surprised, extremely happy, touched, couldn’t believe my eyes.. More of glad cuz he remembered me :) A little touched I guess… Angel, have I fallen already? It feels like I’m sinking in this pool of honey whenever I think of him… I’m dead, aren’t I? :(

-----

Take me to paradise :)

2011-05-11T05:47:00.000-07:00

Angel,
548 in the morning, found myself on paul smith's website looking for gifts for every occasion. Scarf, then wallet, what next? Jotting everything down in my tiny brain, and hopefully, they will be put to use :)
Singing exchanges, late night beach talks, bedtime stories, what will be up next? I don't know, but excited to find out :) it's all those simple things in life, but somehow, I've never got to do in the past. does this list him as being different?
I thought, after all these dating experiences, maybe everything will just turn out the same, going through the same couple routines, movies, dinners, phone talks.. Everything that's to be done, I've been through done that. Until he came along and flipped my world over again. In a good way of course.
How long will this last, I don't know. First time after Cameron, I want to put my heart out there, to someone who has the ability to crush it. Am I afraid? Yes, definitely. But I am also willing to take this risk. Excitement rushes through me.
------
Come take me away, to a faraway planet.

Love, Charl

2011-05-10T21:36:00.001-07:00

Angel,

Feverish day. And I find myself thinking about him the whole day.. Driving, sleeping.. His voice on skype seemed like the most comforting sound on Earth right now. How long do you think this feeling will last this time?
4 months' a long time he says, will anything change? I don't know, genuinely. But I hope nothing will change.
Had this talk with Jasmine yesterday, it seems like I've always been looking for people's shadows in others. Josh's, Cameron's.. And whenever similarities emerges, I form a romantic feeling towards that person. This time, it's kinda different. He forms a category on his own. But again, don't I say that every time?
Angel, do you think I'm ready yet? I don't know.. Maybe if we last through these 4 months, I will be..
------
Your voice is a lullaby to me, puts me into the sweetest dreams :)

2011-05-05T23:55:00.000-07:00

J,

2nd night in Vegas, didn't feel like going clubbing.. What happened? I thought I was so ready to party hard in Vegas with the girls. I know no one will judge, I thought I will turn back to who I was in first year, just for a night. But instead, while all of them are out drinking, I'm sitting here in the bed, listening to the song you sang me on the night before you left for Nashville. My heart skipped a beat every time I see a new email coming in. Maybe it's time to give in to my logic again, at least until school starts. Over the years, I learnt that for a relationship to work, the most important thing is not the right person, but the right timing. Sounds sad doesn't it?
Do you believe in fate? Maybe meeting you was a beautiful mistake, knowing that there is someone in this world who actually matched up to all the things I'm looking for in a guy. Maybe that is enough for me, and it will be time for me to get back to reality soon again. You know, I suddenly had this thought, imagining myself as Cinderella, and every time the time strucks 12, everything will turn back to how it is originally meant to be. And I don't know why, but since young, I know that I am meant to be alone. Strived for 21 years in my life to get use to loneliness, still not coping very well, but I guess one day, one I will actually accept that fact.
------------
如果每次想你的瞬间犹如流星划过天际，
那你的身影在我脑海中早已勾画成一场美丽的流星雨⋯⋯
------------
如果爱情是一颗火种，
那这次的我愿意燃烧自己，
不再保留，不再害怕，
我想，真的好想，把自己的爱情火种点燃
让它疯狂的燃烧着，
而在那瞬间为你上演一场烟火晚会，
让爱情在萨那间点燃，奔放。
然后在你观赏完毕后消失，
因为那样，在你回忆中的我是完美无暇。

2011-04-21T17:55:00.000-07:00

Dear angel,

After breaking up with Cameron.. I don't know, how am i suppose to trust? What are relationships? Some part of me wants to return to 5 years ago, when I was dating Luke Chong, innocently believing in everything that has be said to me, believing in that white wedding dress and happily ever after. Believe in love, in dreams, in fate. But over the past 3 years, all that hope about love, about dreams, built up in me since I was a young naive kid slowly crumbled into a pile of leftover scars and burnt memories. I've tried everything, done everything, from one night stands to long term relationships. In the end it's all the same. All relationships have a life span, all passion burns up in a short span of 6 months. Love, don't they all end up the same way, habits, can be changed over time anyways.
I've always looked forward to meeting my perfect half, but am I still? Searching for that blurry figure in my dream, wearing that black dress shirt? That vivid image that stayed in my mind for 5 years, is now fading away. How much of that dream do I remember? I don't know. In psychology we learn that our memory gets distorted with time, we start believing in what our mind wants us to. After another 5 years, what will be left of that dream?
I thought, all I wanted was someone to hold me to sleep, kiss me awake. But now, it feels like I am just as comfortable alone. And even when I have a new boyfriend, I am lonely. That loneliness, it doesn't go away. Angel, what should I do? Is this the cost of growing up?
I would like to invent a time machine, bring me back to that childhood, where I believed in Cinderella and her prince on the white horse; where I was so childishly satisfied waking up from that dream which I believed that I saw my husband. I would give up anything to feel that warmth in my heart when being hold in one's arm; I would do anything to feel my trembling heart when a cute boy walks by.
-----------
Angel, maybe someday, you will come and rescue me again from this state of emotionless. And when that day comes, I will make sure I will give up everything for you. Just so that you will stay by my side:)

2010-08-24T07:26:00.001-07:00

Babe,

you kept asking me if i still love you, but i don't know.. I really don't know. What is love? I don't know anymore.. What did we lose along our way, I don't know either. The only thing I am clear of is that I love you as a person, I love spending time with you, and yes, I do think that you deserve a lot better than what I can give. And you've once said that I can try hard to be the person who can give you that much, but babe, it is really tiring.. I tried, I tried hard enough that when I look back at the me from a year ago, I won't be able to recognize who that is anymore. Everything that I thought I was, I want, it's not what I am looking for anymore.
I guess, I was just hoping for a fresh start. I want you to recognize me for who I am right now, and not for my past self. Forget that girl and give us a new chance; maybe that is what I really am looking for in a break. To not confuse who I am with who I try to be when I'm with you. Am I making any sense?
The time that I went out with you, the time when you first knew you, I'm at my weakest. And I don't like myself being that way, that is not how I want to grow into. I never want to be dependent though I ended up being that way. I just want another chance to prove that wrong. And I thought, maybe without you or anyone being there for me will be a lot easier, so that I won't have a person to fall back on when I'm weak. I want to walk that road on my own, and know that I can do it.I was hoping that by the end of all these, you can see me as a independent, mature woman rather than an immature, promiscuous girl.
But I guess we can try again in Vancouver, with me trying to grow into someone I want to be, with a little more distance. I still really want to be with you babe, I just hope that you still have the confidence in me no matter which path we choose to go on.

Love,
Charl

First day without you; 22.08.10

2010-08-21T09:35:00.000-07:00

Babe,
I didn't call you today.. Even when i feel lonelier than ever, but it feels like I am suppose to get used to it, it feels like I am suppose to be alone, so I should get used to it..
I wonder about days to come, days in Vancouver without you around. No doubt it will be hard, but I really hope that I can pull through. I really hope that I can figure out what I want very very soon. My mind is in a state of confusion. I wonder about past lives, maybe I have been reading too much. I think about my dreams. I think about the dream with that guy in black beside me, the one which I was on a hospital bed, and something tells me that I have just given birth. The warm fuzzy feeling.. Everything feels so distant now.. The dream has become fuzzier, some times I wonder, have I really dream about this or was I only imagining. I can't be sure.
I spent my whole day waking and walking in a whirlpool. I have never been so lost in my life. It felt like the drama triggered something in me, but I am not sure what. I remember, no matter how upset I am in life, I know that I will move on, I will be happier, I will forgive and forget. But today I am confused. What am I supposed to be moving on from? What is bothering me? Why am I feeling so confused for no reason? What was awaken in me? All these questions need an answer, but I can't seem to find any..
I saw fireworks today. They were so close to me, so bright, so beautiful. It feels like I can reach out and touch them with my bare hands. I want to be like those fireworks, to burst into light, even for short the split second. To be sure of my own worth. I want to take control of my life, steer it the way I want to go. To control my soul with my determination, and not let desires overrule logic.
At the same time, I want to go back to you, to lie in your arms and pretend that none of the above happened. To feel loved and secure, to not fear about a single thing in this world. I want to go back to last summer, where I was so broken and torn so you can fix me up over again. But then again, I knew that will be unfair to you, to go back to you over and over again when I need rest; but exclude you from all excursions that I want to take on.
I need to decide: to be a weak little girl depending on you; or to be a strong woman standing on my own. It finally came to a point where I have to decide, and not revert back to the decision again.
------
P.s. I still love you..

Charl

2010-07-05T20:46:00.000-07:00

i fucked up.
creating unnecessary trouble for myself, for this relationship..
leaving everything behind, living in another time zone, i had a feeling of being free to do anything again in a span of 1 year. i embraced it, greedily savoring every seconds of it. and i forgot what is most important to me.
when moment i knew i hurt him, my heart stopped again. i do not know what else to say. the sorrow of betrayal that i have put him through endless times, i do not want to fend for myself anymore. i do not want to hurt him, ever, in the future. made me realised our gap in our morality.
i'd let myself die slowly inside, fall into the patch of ever-ending darkness, secretly watching him move on, leave me behind, finally emerging into the beautiful world.
---
i have nothing to begin with, you gave me everything, my smile, my love, my emotions, my trust.
now that you're gone, you are free to take everything that you gave me with you..
let my broken smile be repaired on your face; take my trust and keep it in your heart; bring my love and give to someone else; embrace my emotions and treasure that every second of happiness i've felt with you, share it with your other half..
then.. even in darkness, i'll see the light of your smile, feel the warmth of your love. while i fade away in the background

2010-07-01T19:52:00.000-07:00

Every time you walk close,
the calmness within me ripples to the rhythm of your heartbeat;
the lustful passion in my bloodstream dance to your whispering seduction.
I shy away, only to be lured closer;
I run and hide, only to provoke a temptation, more alluring.
The is the dangerous love game we play..
But now, I must leave, for good
to stop myself from falling,
to save myself from drowning.
For I have already slowly fallen head over toes,
lost in your words, your voice, your smile.

2010-01-03T06:24:00.001-08:00

Father,

I've tried very hard. But overtime we get into an argument, i will for sure remember everything that you have done and everything you are still doing now. It doesn't matter now much you think you showed that you cared. Trust is something that you earn anyways. You have wasted my chances too many times. That now i still hate you all over again. Since i was 8, since the day you left, I have changed. Until i met cameron I thought i could have gotten over the insecurities that I have gained when you left, when you lied, when you walked out on me. But no, every time i try to believe i fail. and every time you fail me.
Some wounds can never be healed, some mistakes can never be meant. that is why the past still haunts the present. Since the day you left i have stopped trusting you or the world and that is not gonna ever change from today onwards. I have hated you all my life. And I won't tell you till the day you die in bed.

2009-12-07T20:41:00.000-08:00

天使，
当两人之间本有的快乐变成误解、沉默时，一方是否需要做出要否继续的决定？
恋爱原本该是幸福，可不知何时，感情慢慢有了缝隙，再渐渐变大，决裂。站在悬崖的两极，听不见对方的呐喊，这样，我们慢慢放弃、离开，选择寻找另一个更适合自己的对象。
------
当我与他之间出现无言以对的情况，我选择了逃避。躲进一个人的房里，心中渴望如果看不见，原本在的问题会消失，不见。愚蠢。
------
面对无言的他，我是否该选择暂时离开？

Sometime on a 2009 summer plane..

2009-11-20T00:54:00.000-08:00

940 am, vancouver time

i was looking out the plane window, amazed to find a pastel coloured rainbow painted across the sky by the early morning sun, listening to some sweet chinese songs randomly picked by my ipod. that instant, i felt this sudden surge of yearning for cammy again.. never did i know that missing someone could be such a bitter sweet experience. and i want to record all these tiny emotions that im feeling through the day, into a little online diary, just for keepsake.

I have no idea why i can never write sweet honey-worded emails to cammy like how i often did for the past boyfriends. i never knew where to start, or put my emotions into words. it almost feel like im back to a young girl again, innocent and longing to learn more about how a relationship works. gradually realised that being through numerous relationships doesn't make me a relationship expert. but of course, according to anna, each and every relationship is different, that's why we have to put in our best for each and every one of them. but, secretly, i still choose to believe that this one is simply different.

Ever since the day daddy turned his back on me when i was very young, i lost trust in guys. allowing them to do whatever. flirting is just another nature of guys isn't it? pretending that i don't care, allowing them to hurt me however. like a vicious cycle, i retreated further and further into my little closed world of emotions. cutting lose from them is the most convenient way of not getting hurt too badly ever, isn't it? from time to time, allowing myself to fall for jerks that don't give a damn, that just became another part of the "evidence" that i gathered about how guys are born jerks. reconfirming my theory of "99 percent of the guys in the whole world are jerks, the remaining one percent are gay". but ever since cammy slowly, unknowingly creeped into my world, he turned my theory up side down. and maybe, i just refused to believe it. i know, if he ever hurt me, it'll be over. choosing not to believe all his promises, hurting him, i thought it would be a way of escaping from this one person who doesn't fit into my logic. but now, i just can't hurt him anymore.

now thinking back, even i don't know when i begin slowly falling for him. somehow, it feels like it had been a long but i just kept denying it..but now, i won't mind spending every single day for the rest of my life with him. there wil be challenges, we will fight one day; but as long as we stay true to each other, we will be able to over come all obstacles, won't we? that is wha he believes in, and now, im starting to believe in that too..
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sometimes, i feel like a little fool, cuz i start planning out everything in the future, like he will be the man i'll marry. well i don't think i'll ever mind that. but 19 sounds still soo sooo early for marriage doesn't it? oh cammy... i do sometimes wonder what kind of magical powers you have, or did you love-potioned me ever.
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charlotte

2009-11-20T00:23:00.000-08:00

我喜欢⋯⋯

就这样躺在他的床上⋯
望着他俊俏的脸
认真的脸

当我的手被他亲亲挽住时⋯
时间仿佛停止的感觉
相信永恒存在的感觉

紧紧抱着他时⋯
偷听他的心跳
腻在他暖暖的体温

相信他是那个梦中的天使，所以灵魂找到归宿，不再徘徊。不再盼望日后会有别的白马王子出现⋯⋯ 静下来的心为他稳稳地跳动着，没有那份激动，却多了一份对他的依赖和信任。少了让我小鹿乱撞地心动，却多了满满的幸福，无限的感动。过了20 年，找了20年，在最不留心时竟找到了爱。没有想象中的那么浪漫，却有种细水长流的甜美与安慰。爱，原来那么简单。(:

2009-08-27T23:34:00.000-07:00

Dearest angel,
Has there been a time when there's so much you wanna tell the one you love, but it just doesn't come out. You love them for being the stupidest self, doing the weirdest thing. Maybe love, is a type of gratitude. Thanking a person for being so truthful to yourself, thanking them for trusting you so much to show you the most vulnerable part. In return, you reveal yours. What really love is, I dun think anyone can really explain. Maybe it is jsut everything combined in one.

Still learning,
Charlotte

2009-08-26T10:03:00.000-07:00

Dear angel of dreams

I often long to be someone else.. Have you? Someone more witty? More independent? More caring.. Sweeter, nicer, happier. While what I have already become, seems like no one. Never contented with who I am.
Seeming confident at times, yes. Seeming smart and sarcastic and independent? Yes. But how come, it seems to me that I am never really contented with who I am? Often I others, don't thik so much, we all love you for you are, no one can be perfect.. I know that all but really? Telling Jiaying how she should not care that much how others view her. But deep within, it feels like I'm actually much much more insecure than she is. About everything. Family, friends, lovers..
And often looking back, there are so much that happened last year that i wish to undo. Never once in my life, I've wanted to turn back time so badly. Hatred was a word that I thought I would never encounter with again. Forgiveness was my resolution to everyone who has done me wrong.. Trying hard not to be like a Scorpio, not vengeful, not jealous, not possessive.. All that I wish I'm not. Been denying all this while, that I am no where close to these qualities. Convincing myself to forgive and forget; that I don't hold grudges, that I shouldn't blame anyone for mistakes that I have made; that I can be friends with anyone, even if they've crossed my path.. But just suddenly I woke up one day realising that I can't. All that I was striving hard to be, a cheerful girl who forgives and forgets, who remembers only happiness and good times a person brought to her.. I'm not like that. So what have I become? Overnight it seemed like I have lost myself. I still hate, I still can't let go, I still wish I can be bitchy and never ever see that person ever again, and slap him in the face and curse him to never attain happiness in his life. But yet again, I can't. Helplessly swingly back and forth the 2 extremes. Once I viewed myself as being someone who can don't care about everything that happened in life, but not really... I can't really.. Have you ever felt that helpless in your life? Or do you see me as someone so small, so dependent on everything, everyone. Hate to admit, but in the end, after the whole year, I still bowed to the very fact that I am just like any other girl walking, living in this world. One who cares about every little detail.. Wishes to be understood without having to speak. Humans.. We're all alike, aren't we? No matter how hard we strive ot be different from each other. No matter how hard we strive to be more independent, not rely on another person, there's still always part of us longing to be discovered by someone who just really cares and loves you for no matter who you are.. and that is always easier said than done. History will always matter, no matter what you did.
Angel, regrets.. Do they do you any good?

Truly,
Charlotte